Sophia

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 2 posts - 1 through 2 (of 2 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • in reply to: I don’t want the world ro know. #42968
    Sophia
    Participant
    This reply has been marked as private.
    in reply to: Spiralling and depressed. Feeling suicidal because of this. #42967
    Sophia
    Participant

    I um its not easy to say this. I have very low self esteem. It just started to heighten maybe about a yr ago I am 21 now. I started to obsess about perfectionism and how I wanted to look like the models on instagram. I would never be jealous of their beauty I woumd just get depressed and would start to feel not good enough. Even though I had a boyfriend who would repeatedly tell me I’m beautiful and he loves me. It was very hard to accept myself even in a relationship and someone telling me that there here and not just here because there not attracted for many years I would care about my physical flaws on how people would think the same thoughts I would think about myself and it discouraged me from seeing friends, isolating myself, not being who I was a social person I would like to say all because of my thoughts. It would be repeatedly I felt like I was in a war in my own mind. I felt attacked constantly . I realized mental health was real. I wanted to seek help. I made a phone call for counseling and they hadn’t got back to me so soon. So as the time being with those thoughts still there I started to feel desperate. I sold myself. I am not that kind of girl I dont know how all that works I just knew I needed money and this guy said he was going to help me. I believed him. So we met at a hotel and all I remember is being there for maybe about 20 mins I dont even remember feeling buzzed from drinking I just knocked out he raped me had his friends rape me. Multiple condoms on the floor my moms husband had to find me that way. Next morning I wake up with something above my lip burning I feel it on my face. I contracted hsv 1. I was devastated I have a son I have a boyfriend how was I suppose to deal with this how was I suppose to love again I feel I have all these restrictions. Hes still here… i just can never kiss him again i can never kiss my son again. I’m happy i can shower with him still… I’m happy I can have sex without a condom.. but I’m very angry I’m very depressed as in I was a clean girl I never slept with alot of ppl I just dont feel like I deserve this sometimes I feel like throwing my life away and becoming a prostitute I know those are just thoughts tho but they still cross my mind when I’m very depressed I snap out of it and I feel okay again but it resurfaces again. It’s only been a month of this diagnosis its very hard to deal with this. It’s very hard to know that I have a disease and I’m not the same anymore….

Viewing 2 posts - 1 through 2 (of 2 total)