Why did he lie to me?

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  • #19583
    Dr. Kelly
    Keymaster

    I’m so happy that I found this website. I was diagnosed with HSV-2 about a week ago. I, like many other women on this site, was devastated when I found out. I can remember the night that I contracted the disease very clearly. I had gotten out of a relationship back in October of 2012- was tested immediately after for STDs and my results came back negative. My relationship had ended poorly. I was coming to the realization that I was dating people that I wasn’t truly interested in. I was staying in relationships because I didn’t want to hurt the individual that I was with and that I was very unhappy in doing so. I decided after my most recent relationship that I was not going to date anyone that I wasn’t truly attracted to-mind, body, and soul. Things were really looking up for me, with 2013 fast approaching, I decided to make resolutions for my health. I was going to start taking the stairs at work everyday, make sure I floss after every meal, and get to the gym at least 3 days a week. 2013 was going to be the best year of my life..or so I thought. On December 15th 2012, my roommates decided to hold a holiday party at my apartment. I had a comedy performance that night (I’m an aspiring comedian) and I remember thinking, “I just want to go home and go to bed- I hate that there is a party going on at my house right now…maybe I will be able to sleep while it goes on.” However, when I got home, my apartment was completely packed and I decided to socialize- be a good host- meet people and have a good time. I did not have one alcoholic beverage so I cannot blame the following scenario on anything but my own choice. I met a very handsome man that night at the party. We hit it off immediately and had a passionate make out session in my room. I remember thinking, “this guy is different-I really like this guy!” He got my phone number and texted me the very next day. On New Years Eve, we decided to meet up and we ended up sleeping with one another- and stupidly, we had unprotected sex. I remember asking him if he was clean before we engaged in anything without a condom- his response was, “I’m as clean as a whistle!” and being the naive person that I was, I believed him. The next morning, our conversation became very intimate-we shared our passions, our dreams-I learned that he was a trainer at a health club-someone who put health of himself and others first… I thought that I found a true catch. He drove me home, told me he would call me the next day…and I saw him again. About 3 days later, I started to experience symptoms that I thought were a yeast infection; however, after 2 weeks of intense itchiness I came to the realization that it was something more serious. I was terrified to get tested. I started researching on my own- Did I have crabs? Was it gonorrhea? Chlamydia? After 2 weeks, I noticed a few bumps but the itchiness had pretty much disappeared. Was I overreacting? I panicked one night and texted the guy that I slept with. I basically demanded that he tell me if he had an STD that he was aware of- that I knew that he wasn’t interested in pursuing anything with me since he hadn’t called me in 2 weeks, but how I would never put his health in jeopardy and how I hoped he would at least be honest with me and tell me if I needed to worry. I must have sounded like a complete freak texting him at 3am about STDs, but I WAS TERRIFIED! He texted me back the next morning, “I’m clean as a whistle”…and so I believed him and went on with life. I ended up dating someone in late February. I knew that I really liked this guy and I was sure things were going to get intimate, so I decided that I wanted to get tested just to be sure that I didn’t have anything. I went into my doctor, got an STD test and blood work and left feeling good about being responsible and starting something great with someone that I truly liked and who liked me. About 2 weeks later, I got a call from my gynecologist while I was at work telling me to call her back. I knew it couldn’t be good- usually the doctor would call and leave a message saying that everything looked great and there was no need to call her back, this wasn’t good. I began to panic. I reached out to a close co-worker who told me that I was probably overreacting. When I finally got a hold of my doctor she told me that the STD tests had come back and that I was clean, but that I just had signs of a bacterial infection. She wanted me to call back with my pharmacy information- I immediately rejoiced with my co-worker that I was in fact overreacting and called my doctor back with my pharmacy information. That was when she dropped the bomb on me- she forgot to look at my blood work tests when I initially called…and the results showed that I tested positive for HSV-2. I immediately started bawling. I was shocked and devastated. Anything but herpes! Herpes is incurable! Herpes isn’t something that a 24 year old aspiring comedian who had her first kiss at the age of 21 would contract! HERPES!? My mind was racing- panic mode. What would this mean? What would I tell the guy that I started dating!? Is my love life over? Will anyone ever love me? How could I be so naive, so irresponsible, so…stupid? My co-worker took me out that night, she listened to me cry, she hugged me and told me that everything was going to be okay. I stayed home from work the next day, cried all day, researched the disease extensively on the internet and became a victim right there. Blog upon blog about this disease causing women to stop dating! I decided that I had to tell the guy that I was seeing that I had contracted the disease…I researched how to tell your partner that you have herpes- “sit down with him and tell him in a calm manner that you have herpes- that it is very common- give him the facts”…I knew it would be over. I decided to text him that I wanted to meet with him and discuss something important…immediately he asked what. I didn’t want to tell him over text so I just kept telling him, “let’s meet in person”…which seemed to scare him even more. He finally just told me that I had to tell him right then- he didn’t want to meet in person…clearly I was scaring him with the “serious talk” text. Thanks Google. I just blurted it out to him on text- how immature of me! It would all be over- I was convinced- but his response was “that’s it? I know a lot of people with that…it’s not a big deal…never freak me out like that again…okay?” I couldn’t believe what he was saying. DID HE NOT HEAR ME!? I HAVE HERPES! ITS NOT CURABLE! HHHEEELLOOO!!! And guess what? We have been dating ever since that conversation and having an excellent sex life. Yes, I’m terrified of what is to come, but you know what? It could have been worse. I could have contracted HIV…I could have had an unwanted pregnancy…but I didn’t. Is it weird that I’m choosing to make this disease make me into a better person? I refuse to become a victim of it…I know I am in store for some bad times…but that is true of life in general. If I could go back in time, I would shake myself and tell myself to not have sex with the guy I did. I would tell myself to find more worth in myself before having a one night stand. I would tell myself that I’m not invisible. But you know what? I can’t go back in time…no one can. We make decisions and we have to live with them…and honestly, its not about the decisions we make, but how we choose to react and deal with the consequences. I’m responsible for contracting this- while many women were in committed relationships when they contracted this- I was not. I had a one night stand…without a condom. I didn’t think about the consequences- granted no one deserves this disease- it has been a huge wake up call to me. Isn’t it funny how I made a resolution to put my health first and now I am being forced to do so with this disease? I’m forced to practice safe sex, to not have one night stands, to take my meds, avoid stress, and above all…love myself. There is good that can come from this- I refuse to be a victim. Tonight I had a crying fit about it- it is my third outbreak and I know that I will have many more in the future. I allowed myself to cry for an hour- to feel the anger- feel the weight of my decisions- feel the reality of life…then after an hour of feeling sorry for myself, I got up and said “enough” and started focusing on something that makes me happy. As I said before, I’m a comedian and trust me…I’ve been one of those people that has laughed about STDs. I’ve made jokes! AND NOW I HAVE ONE! In my last comedy last class, our teacher told us to start pitching sketch ideas for things that we care about- things that matter to us because that is what makes you stand out to an audience. Guess what I’m going to do? I’m going to pitch ideas about this STD- but not in a negative light- in the most positive light I can. You know why I love theater? You can bring an issue to stage that an audience is scared about and you can bring light to it- make it less of a monster…I’m going to do that. I’m going to help change what the stigma is behind herpes. I promise every woman out there- I will not dishonor your fight or your integrity- I’m right there with you! If you have this disease, stop reading blogs about how your life is over. Just stop. It puts you in a negative mind set and its not worth it! You have Herpes. What is done, is done. I mean that’s what it comes down to. Life is unfair and you just have to deal with crummy situations like this. It doesn’t make you dirty, it doesn’t make you stupid, it doesn’t make you a slut, a whore- or anything like that. You are a unique, wonderful individual with a virus- that’s it. How to tell your partner? I mean you can read about it on google, you can ask friends- my advice is, yes- be responsible and tell your partner because hey, I want to shake the man who gave this to me and scream “WHY DID YOU LIE TO ME!?!?!” but honestly, maybe he didn’t know he had it…and it takes two to tango- right? I was irresponsible….But my point is, tell your partner in the way that makes you most comfortable. Join support groups that stay positive like this group! Don’t waste your time scaring yourself- you are playing into the stigma as much as society is when you do that! Have the attitude you want society to have towards it and if stress is a trigger of your outbreaks, stressing out about how your life is over…which it certainly is not…will probably cause more outbreaks! Stay strong everyone! AND THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS WEBSITE! I already bookmarked this page for whenever I need strength and support- Thank you! Thank you! THANK YOU!!!

    #19585
    traveler
    Participant

    Awesome story and thank YOU for sharing!!!
    Having a tough 3wks of uncontrollably obs and your story has made me feel so much better. Ty.;-)

    #19584
    Dr. Kelly
    Keymaster

    I am so sorry to hear that you have had outbreaks for 3 weeks. That is a long time to have to deal with the symptoms and the emotional upheaval. The best thing you can do for yourself is to be pro active in managing your stress by meditating daily and doing things to support your Immune System. I encourage you to try some supplements that specifically target herpes like garlic and/or a good medicinal mushroom blend. I also go into detail of what to do in our 30 Day Quickstart To Success program in our online course, Foundations. You can check it out https://pinktent.com/funnel/foundations-book.php

    Know that we are here to support you.

    Live. Love. Thrive.
    Dr. Kelly

    #19953
    Ana
    Participant

    Thank you for your strength and positivity. I’m trying to stay positive, upbeat and look at this from the bright side. It get’s a bit depressing reading so many negative stories. I sometimes wonder if I’m being naive in thinking I can rise above this and use this as a learning lesson, and find the silver lining.
    So, your story reaffirms my sentiments and my belief,s and the manner in which I chose to live with Herpes. Thank you for your Positivity.

    #19969
    lola
    Member

    i have recently been diagnosed. i had all of the same feelings sad, dirty, depressed and a let down to my family. to add fuel to the fire(in my head) i am divorced and my ex cheated on me…. my ex boyfriend cheated on me also. i should not have this and don’t deserve this. i am very careful who i sleep with but i also made a bad decision. i told the guy about it, he didn’t want to come sit down and talk to me either but he was in denial that he had anything. i have to say what is done is done… and go on. it will be hard for me not to think that i’m still dirty. i believe that i have a hard long road… and just need support.

    thanks for the website and information.

    #20023
    Brûlant
    Participant

    Glad you have found the positive side. I want to say, he may have been telling the truth and just not realized he wasn’t tested for HSV-2. However, based on what he said, I’m gonna say I think he was indeed lying. “Clean as a whistle”? Who says that? Only someone trying to cover something up. What does that even mean, btw? Are whistles inherently clean???

    I freaked out for a day about having HSV-1 but then I was like, yknow, I’m glad I got this as opposed to many other possibilities. It was a wake up call and it made me more careful about who I have sex with, and even who I kiss. It raised my standards.

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