Positive and negative experiences

[missbrightside452]

Please share your dating experiences with HAV-2 thank you x

[VCRJ]

Hi,
I’d like to tell you my story. I am a man. I don’t know how I ended up in this forum. I was just trying to understand what happened a 14 months ago and I ended up here.
I was dating this girl. She is beautiful, intelligent, smart, cute (I still think the same about her). After two months being together, being happy, and having sex, she disclosed to me that she has HSV-2. I didn’t know how to react. My instinct was to call my psychologist. I asked her to leave my apartment.
I was in shock. I suffer depression with a GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). It really fucked me up. I felt so betrayed. It still hurts to remember when she said “even if you get a positive result, you can’t know if you got it from me”. The next days, I had panic attacks. I went to get tested (8 days after last exposure) and I got a negative test. However, I had to get tested again three months later. It was negative again. In 14 months, I have been tested four times, all negative. The four times I also got tested for HIV as well. In my mind, I was like “if she lied about it, she maybe has lied about other things”. I could not believe in doctors. I needed a lot of psychological therapy and several visits to the psychiatrist to be able to sleep and manage anxiety (which became OCD). It really affected me psychologically. Even though I got all the information about the low rate transmission from a woman to a man, that she already had it for several years and was really wise about her symptoms, I could not believe that I did not have the virus. A lot of people catch it in a hook-up, and we were having unprotected sex almost every day. Now I understand the days she avoided sex with me.
All the time, I loved her. Before the disclosure, we were already talking about doing a trip during the summer and maybe living together after it if things went well. It was soul-destroying to end the relationship, to talk to her and understand that she has her own moral in relationships about when to disclose. Even though she said she liked me, loved me, and wanted to be together, I could not believe her. The trust was destroyed. I considered going back together for three-four months. In fact, I thought I could be able to overcome it and go back together, but I couldn’t. Even though I had therapy, I just realized I would not be able to trust her in simple things. In my mind, I just think any guy she disclosed it before having sex is better than me. I understand it’s hard to disclose and be exposed to rejection (I don’t think she was evil at all. She made a huge mistake), but I just feel I was not respected. I can just tell you that if she had told me before having sex, I would be with her, cause I really liked her since the beginning. I am okay with the decision. I miss her, but the trust is already damaged.
I knew nothing about herpes before being with her. Just that is is an STD that requires treatment and causes breakouts. I am not American and we don’t even have the stigma you have in this culture. Having herpes is not a big deal, but not disclosing is a big deal. It is important to ask for consent.
My only advice is to always disclose. I understand it is hard, but there is plenty of people that would accept you by the simple fact that “they really like you” and will take the risk.

[Ynana]

VCRJ, great to get a man’s perspective & your takeaway is spot on. I think people don’t disclose because of their own shame & fear of being alone. So that’s the work we need to do on ourselves.

[J]

It is really refreshing to hear a man’s perspective.

[pinktentuser]

Hi VCRJ

Thank you for sharing this. I’ve recently been diagnosed with GHSV1 so it’s a fine line on disclosure. Terri Warren (a herpes specialist) says its important to disclose for trust than it is for transmission as GHSV1 is quite a benign infection.

I find it comforting knowing you said there are plenty of people that will accept you simply for the fact they like you. Thank you for sharing your perspective.

[finn012361]

Hi VCRJ,
6 months ago, my husband and partner of 7 years confessed that he had HSV-2 for the last 30 years but only told me after I showed him early stage sores.
I had the added experience of having outbreaks for years prior that all went misdiagnosed as other things because he failed to disclose until there was no way to deny it any longer. I can relate to your decision as I have made the same one. I think you may have dodged a bullet here. To be honest, I wish I could have the second chance that you seem to have been given as far as your negative results. People with knowledge of their infection should not be having sex if they are not honest enough to disclose. It’s cruel, not to mention illegal in some places. I personally don’t buy the idea that there is a fine line on disclosure. A person should have autonomy over their own health and not disclosing robs them of this. It also arrogantly presumes to know what is best for another person.

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