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December 14, 2014 at 9:37 pm #19566Birdie1018Participant
As of right now I would like to introduce myself as A. I would like to start a few months back when I was at peace with myself, not my life but myself.
I dated a man I love for 5.5 years. In October I decided to end my relationship because he couldn’t seem to get his life together and didn’t realizes that his constant job jumping was killing our relationship along with his debilitating depression. I was patient for years and tried to help as much as I could. He slept for HOURS and didn’t wake up till 7 or 8 at night leaving me to do everything on my own. At the end of our relationship I started to spite him and dislike him. I decided it was time for a change. I left him… I left him and I moved to a city an hour away. Everything went so smooth.. too smooth maybe? I started to have feeling for a friend of mine. I was single and the attention from my friend just made me feel so wanted and so enjoyed. I also just LOVE being around him. One thing led to another and we ended up having sex. We became even closer and I start to really fall for this guy. Everything is going so smooth until all the sudden I fall sick with this AWFUL flu and I was just unable to get out of bed for days. On top of the flu I thought I was getting a UTI. I went to med express and they diagnose me with a UTI but nothing seems to stop this AWFUL burning. I made an appointment to see a OBGYN because I could tell something wasn’t right. I told the guy I recently just slept with that I thought something was wrong and he assured me there was nothing wrong with him he was in a relationship for 5 years as well and never had any sexual health issues except for the time he was told by a partner when he was 22 that she had a curable STD. He went to the doctor and had that cleared up but has never had any issues since then and that was roughly 8 years ago. We both thought we had a clean bill of health. I went to the doctor and she confirmed my biggest fear. It was Herpes.
I called my friend and told him I was diagnosed with herpes and he was completely clueless because he was in a long term relationship neither of them having any issues. I started to think it was me but I know I was clean before him no issues as well. He handled it very well and went to the doctor right away and had a blood test done because he didn’t show any symptoms. The doctor told him most likely he’s asymptomatic and was only shedding the virus and never had a first OB that was recognizable. His test came back positive. They didn’t tell us which type they said they didn’t do specific testing nor does it really matter (I disagree).
He has been wonderful through this diagnosis and has supported me and wiped my tears and has done everything he can to build my back up. I know for a fact he didn’t know, this blew my mind and opened my eyes to how the world has a stigma on STDs. My friend has spent years with this and never knew it. I’m currently a month into my diagnosis and I and still up and down all the time. The worst part about this is my ex boyfriend has been getting his life together and wants to start dating me again and wants to prove he can make a great life for us. He even moved to the town I moved to so he didn’t have to be to far from me.
We have gone on a few dates and it feels like my old life again. It feels wonderful but I am worried and scared for the moment I have to tell him I slept with another man and now I am broken and I’m not sure he will want me. He will look at me like I am gross and contagious. Even if he did want to stay with me I worry that he will never be able to be turned on by me with the thought of me being contagious. He will hate when he finds out his perfect girl isn’t so perfect anymore. I also think about just staying with the guy who gave it to me so I don’t ever have to give the talk or make it weird. I obviously did something to deserve this. I’m not sure what it was. Maybe I should have just accepted my unhappiness with my ex to begin with and I wouldn’t have been in this situation.
Overall I am getting better and in my head I think that herpes isn’t that bad its just a few bumps on the skin. Then I remember society doesn’t see it that way.. To society and people who don’t have it I am a dirty woman.
Before this diagnosis I loved myself. I loved that I was obsessed with yoga and had such a beautifully clear mind. I love the things I loved… Simple things like my bird feeders and reading books while listing to the birds sing on my balcony. Now life seems so dark, scary and unfair. I left to better my life and I managed to wreck it in 1 day. I left the love of my life because he refused to seek help for his depression.. I ended up with a virus I will never get rid of.. I guess the joke is on me… I went from loving myself to just being an empty body walking around.
-ADecember 16, 2014 at 3:52 pm #19567Dr. KellyKeymaster
It takes such grace and courage to share as you have done! Thank you.
First and foremost, you did NOTHING wrong and actually, I applaud you for moving out of a relationship that was not healthy for you. Had you stayed, in time it would have eaten away at your soul and possibly turned into a stress related illness.
Now is the time to be totally compassionate and loving towards yourself. Nourish your soul with yoga and anything else that brings you joy. While things might seem dark right now, there are always hidden blessings you will be able to see in the future.
You CAN return to the person you were before and my guess is that you will be even stronger than you were.
Yes, there is stigma associated with this virus, but you can learn to overcome it. You can learn to be bigger than the diagnosis. If your ex-boyfriend is the man whom you are supposed to be with, he will understand. If not him, then I guarantee there is someone out there for you. Whatever you do, don’t settle!
Feel all the things you are feeling right now and ride the waves of grief, anger, confusion, etc. Over time, it will get better. Take time every day doing something you love and that brings you peace. Yoga and meditation are great for this.
Stay in communication with our support group here and allow us to lift you up.
Live. Love. Thrive.
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