Need help telling him I have herpes after being with him for 9 months already

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    Hi all, I am new here. My question I need help with is at the bottom, my story is up top. Thanks in advance!

    I contracted HSV2 5 years ago with my first sexual partner that I had after getting sober and moving to a new state. He did not disclose that he had HSV to me prior to sleeping with me. Since then, I have only told a small group of people, all female friends. Only ONE of the people that I chose to confide in has decided to continue to talk to me and/or kept my secret. The others no longer speak to me, and one of them told my HSV status to a mutual guy friend of ours for what ever her reasons were. Since then I have moved back home and have vowed to never tell another soul about my HSV status. I have been living silently alone with this for 3 years now.

    I have only ever had 2 outbreaks, that I know of. I recently have been dealing with on going vaginal pain for the last year or so, part of the reason being chronic and recurrent yeast infections which treatment helps. But lately all tests for everything have been negative, no lesions or blisters that my doctor can see (confirming it is not an outbreak) and I am on Valacyclovir daily for prevention at my request because the idea of another outbreak terrifies me due to the intensity of the first one. Anyways, my doctor has ruled out any other possible cause and has diagnosed me with vulvodynia (unexplained chronic vaginal pain). She explained a big component of this can be a mental factor and suggested I speak to my counselor about my HSV status and how I do not talk about it. That brings me to why I am here …

    My counselor suggested a support group, so I found this! I am starting here by telling you all that I have Herpes. The next step for me is to tell a few close friends about my status. The hopes is that I can de-stigmatize this in my own head and not constantly think about it in my head and subconsciously shame myself. With every little pain in my vagina I’m thinking “is that an outbreak?” .. its constant, almost daily and has been going on like this for the last 3 years. It honestly is exhausting. But the idea of telling someone was so much worse than just dealing with the mental exhaustion.


    In addition to not telling anyone in my life, I also have not divulged my HSV status to any of my sexual partners of the last 5 years. Obviously, I fear rejection and that I will end up alone for the rest of my life.
    Currently, I am in a “friends with benefits” sort of relationship and we have comfortably been participating in this for about 9 months or so. It is great, we get along wonderfully. If our schedules were different and lives were less busy, we would likely be in a real relationship. Though I have not told him that I have herpes.

    A part of my healing journey is that I need to tell him. I am absolutely terrified to do this. One because I have herpes, two because I have LIED to him for the last 9 months. I want him in my life, I don’t know how to approach this situation, what to say, how to react, what to do. Ending it and not telling him would be the easier choice, but the right choice is to tell him. I need help here, has anyone dealt with something like this.. or does anyone have any suggestions on where to start?



    **EDIT** I have genital HSV-1, not HSV-2. I put HSV-2 as that is commonly known for genital herpes. After reading some posts I wanted to make that distinction! So ya, my type is HSV-1


    I would suggest telling him, as difficult as it is. Remember how heartbroken you were when you found out you go it, he would be more upset if he caught it and you didn’t disclose it to him.
    But of course let him know you are on suppressive antiviral medication and you are being safe and have only had 2 outbreaks. The more people know about hsv the better, the horrible stigma behind it should be gone. It’s really just a skin condition.
    wishing you the best of luck <3

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