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February 16, 2015 at 1:52 pm #19524Inner beauty shinesParticipant
Dear friends over the world,
Here is my story…
I turned 50 in 2013 in June and after being in always long lasting relationships I had been alone for 3 years almost, needed to overcome the last one and wanted to take the time.
And to be honest I was by then on the peak of my life on my 50th birthday.
I have many very good friends, I love to have fun, dance, travel, enjoy life in every way and I am a very curious person in general. Thus I had started my studies to be a professional coach in addition to my normal job – and the day before my 50ths birthday I did my master exam.
I was really on the peak of my life, had the best party ever with my friends from all over the world, and my family. And I do not know, why I did not take it as it was, why I thought it would be good to have a partner, be in a relationship -with a man again, as for the last 10 years I had been going out with women.
II registered at an online dating portal – very reputable one – and in Nov 2013 started dating a professor from the university, it started off very well. He was very charming in the beginning, trying to please me in every way. We had a very short, but very intense relationship. It lasted only for less than 5 months – he turned out being a narcissistic psychopath.
As usual for this kind of people they are very charming and convincing at the beginning of a relationship. It is hard to find out, that they do have a narcissistic personality disorder, until they reveal their real “face”. This was during our second vacation in France, where he had a house at the Atlantic coast. That was last April. I had a strange feeling already about the relationship and had tried to end it already in March – but he convinced me to continue. As we were both beyond 50 – I thought it is not as easy anyway, as each one of us had his life and thoughts how a relationship should be. So I gave it another chance.
I also – and here in this forum we can admit everything – having sex with a man, after being 10 years with women, it was something like a sexual outcome again.
Nonetheless I was almost reluctant to go to France again and spend another week with him. But – it was his birthday in the following week and we were supposed to travel with his best friends. As I am “well-educated” I did not say NO and follow my STRONG inner feelings, but in the end decided to go on this vacation, even I was not in the mood at all. The “red warning lights were blinking”, as we say in German –but I tried to ignore them.
We went with his privately owned plane, and the moment I entered the aircraft – I regretted that I had done so, as he screamed at all of us even before the start to shut up etc. But there was no way to get off the plane again, as in a minute we would start rolling over the field on the airport.
So already before the takeoff of that plane I decided that I am going to leave him for sure and would only survive the week in France.
Unfortunately we had sex – even my decision was firm.
Many things came together.
He had just come back from Japan the night before, had not slept enough, jetlagged etc.
I was worn out and stressed to get all my work done in the office, to be able to take this week off again. It all started with an eye infection that he had and transferred to me. I never had anything like this before, I hardly could open my eye, and in the end both eyes were infected.
Now I know that this was a chain of coincidences that happened so that he had an outbreak and I got the virus – as his and my immune system were down. Otherwise he would most probably have transmitted HG to me earlier or not at all.
Then – like 3 days later, it started itching. I thought it is from the long bike rides we did along the coast, I was not used to.
I asked him, as he was a professor of medicine at the University to inspect my labia – as I thought I was maybe some ingrown hair or so. He saw the 2-3 blisters I had at that time, and that I could not identify as HG. He proposed to open them, telling me that these were most probably pimples resulting from infected hairs or something similar. I heavily refused and had the feeling I cannot trust this guy at all.
It was only one week of vacation, but the worst horror trip of my life. Mid of the week I had decided that I will somehow “survive” the rest of the vacation, but when home, I would pack my bag and never see him again. He had become unbearable for all of us – me and his friends. He showed his narcissistic personality to the full extent, blaming us for everything without reason, showing despotic behavior, accusing all of us of being stupid, etc.
I hope you never met anyone like this and will not do so in the future.
Unfortunately I could not escape as I felt already so miserable – that it was impossible to leave by train back to Germany. His friends were evenly surprised by his behavior, knowing that he was somehow a strange person, being kind of genius in his job at the same time.
So the three of us decided to stand these last days with him and I asked them not to make things worse by discussing with him and trying to tell him, that it was not us, but him, who had the problem.
I just wanted to get home safely. And I knew he had to fly us home, him being the pilot of that small aircraft. And by that time I knew that it would be very dangerous for all of us, if he had himself not under control. Thus it was essential not to anger or provoke him.
But I did not know why I felt so sick – it could not be due to the eye infection only.
We were supposed to leave Sunday. On Friday this guy asked me to inspect his penis, showed it to me and said: “we must not have sex anymore, I have an Herpes outbreak”. He had like 4 huge blisters. He even took a picture with my iphone and asked me to show it to my doctor – whom I should see according to him when back in Germany. And he blamed me more or less, that I was the one who transferred this to him.
Now – can you imagine – at the first moment I thanked god that he had herpes, as this meant I did not need to have sex with him again. At that time I had no clue about HG, that it is incurable, that it is unbearable and my biggest challenge ever.
I called my gynecologist in Germany and made an appointment for Monday morning 8 am – immediately after arrival.
I spend the day in bed – having flu like symptoms.
Then I had the worst night of my life. Unbelievable pain, nothing helped. I had my first outbreak – as I know now. I suspected that he had passed his herpes to me – so I tried every remedy I could find on the internet, reading everything about Herpes on my iphone all night long. Still I did not get the whole picture and still I thought, this is like a normal disease – you take some medicine, it passes, it will be over – and never come again.
The next morning I sent him to the drugstore to get me acyclovir. I hardly could walk nor sit. I was desperately waiting for the minute we would leave the house and get on the plane. I was devastated in pain, fear, anger about myself that I had gone on that vacation at all, that I had met this guy etc.– but I hardly could not think at all, as I was completely confused about what was going on with my body. I was in terrible pain. He suggested and insisted in giving me an injection with a high dosage of Traumadol – which is a super strong pain killer. But I refused again -not trusting him at all. It was a good decision. His friends – both of them medical doctors themselves – told me afterwards that if he had giving me such an injection, the flight would have been troublesome if not impossible – as height and effects of this remedy may be a very bad combination for your body. Also they are both convinced that he transmitted it to me and not the other way round and that for sure I had my first outbreak not him. Otherwise he would have totally freaked out towards me. He also mentioned to the friends that he once had a girlfriend who had HG.
We arrived safely in Germany, the strategy of not provoking or irritating him had worked. All three of us had played the game that everything is in order, which was not the case at all – and it cost all of us a lot of energy.
I managed somehow to drive home to my apartment (I live in a different city). I only said Bye to him – it was the last time I saw him.
On Monday morning my gynecologist confirmed HG, but did all the testing, swap test, blood test etc. and also HIV – of course. HIV was negative – thanks god!
The same evening I sent an email to the professor of medicine who transferred the STD to me, knowing himself for sure that he had it and did not say a word to me and did not protect me!
I ended the relationship via email which provoked him to the worst extent….
More tests should follow – chlamydia, and other STDs. Acyclovir hardly helped, I had one outbreak after the other. I was devastated, I even thought about committing suicide. I had the firm feeling my life is over, as the fun, the lightness and the easiness had vanished completely.
I tried to find a support group – but in Germany there is not even a forum on HG – no one seems to talk about it. I bought some books that were available. Then I found Dr. Kelly´s book – and since then I am on the diet she recommends. In addition I bought PRONOVEX in the US – and this helped for a while. Probably all together – the remedy, the diet etc. Late November I was outbreak free for some weeks. I do not want to go back on Acyclovir, as it did not help much anyway and extremely harms the body.
I tried to focus again on myself, my self-esteem, I try to reframe this disease every day, asking myself why it happens to me and trying to find a way to live with it and draw the right consequences of the fact it happened to me. I have told my best friends. This was a true relief – even in fact no one can really imagine how it is to have HG and an outbreak. I try to describe it this way: it is as if you wear trousers made of needles or if you sit with your vagina right on top of a steel brush.
I went to see a consultant at the center for HIV, they also counsel on STDs. This helped, as of course I learned I am not the only one. I felt dirty and I thought – as many of us may have – only prostitutes etc. get infected with STDs. No – it may hit anyone – unfortunately.
With my consultant I tried to work on my biggest problem – to forgive this guy. I was unable to do so. It took me long to forgive myself. That was hard already. To forgive him is even harder if not impossible.
I was ready to found a supporter´s group myself as no one seems to talk about it here– not even on the internet. If you want information you have to go to a forum in the UK or the US. But my gynecologist advised me not to do so – but rather try to cope with the symptoms, the outbreaks than investing more time in it and dig deeper… But I still would like to have someone to talk to in person, who is suffering from HG as well.
I hope you still stay with me reading my story.
Two weeks ago these friends with whom we were on vacation in France, called me.
The professor had been on his way back from France (skiing holiday with his new girlfriend) in his aircraft. Most probably he tried to fly underneath a weather front – he was almost home already and descending to his home airport. His plane crashed into the trees and the hill. He did not survive the crash. He was alone on the plane.
This was exactly on the day 9 months later, after I had left him.
I flew 6 times with him on that same plane.
I thought now I can forgive him. But I still can´t.
After I got the message, I felt sorry for his friends, but I was not really shocked, no grief, no deep emotions. But of course this came later…
I was enormously stressed by this accident, it happened in our region– so it was in the news, on the radio. I could not sleep after having seen all these pictures, the plane I had been flying with. The university institute sent me the death notice etc. I was confronted with him again and his unexpected destiny for the last two weeks.
And… of course I have a terrible outbreak. Including new symptoms, pain down the left buttock, the nerves in the back part of my left leg hurt – until now there was only one spot on my right leg that I am used to already. Terrible. I feel miserable again.
I think I need some therapeutic support now to overcome all this or at least to talk about it. And I hope if I stick to my diet, if I keep up with my will to be positive and energetic, my physical pain hopefully vanishes again without having to take drugs.
I have changed my life, which was not really difficult, as I live a healthy life anyway. I stick to Dr. Kelly´s diet – no alcohol, 9 hours of sleep, I do yoga for 15 years already. I try to do me something good whenever I feel like it and be positive in every way. I meet my friends again and go out with them. I continue my coaching education. I revealed my story to my best friends, I was looking for professional support. I do have a strong supporter network.
But here comes the hardest part:
I finally would like to forgive and forget – it would make my life much easier.February 21, 2015 at 12:15 pm #19526Dr. KellyKeymaster
Inner Beauty Shines,
What an appropriate username, for your heart shines so bright through your writing. Thank you for sharing your story with us in a manner that was so authentic and real.
I agree with you that Forgiveness will be one of your greatest remedies. Believe me, you are not the first woman to have a partner die and still the forgiveness piece is such a challenge. How do you forgive a person who isn’t even alive anymore? The answer is through meditation and letter writing. Take the time to write a letter to your ex and share with him how you are feeling and how his actions have impacted your life. Then, burn it and release all of those negative emotions. I would also include in the letter what you are grateful for and what you learned from him being in your life. Do not be a victim of your circumstances. While it sounds like you have every right to be angry and resentful towards him, it is you that is suffering. Release him from your heart. Sever the energetic ties that bind you to him. Call back your power and release him to God, or the Divine or whatever you believe in. It takes time, but in the end, you will be the one who heals.
Below is a video which shows an act of profound forgiveness. Check it out!
Many Blessings sent your way,
Dr. KellyFebruary 23, 2015 at 6:33 am #19525Inner beauty shinesParticipant
Thank you dr. Kelly,
The letter – to write and then burn it – sounds good.
The video cannot be opened due to GEMA reasons outside the US… But thank you anyway for forwarding it.
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