Mourning

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  • #44750
    Ally
    Participant

    Hi Everyone, Im a 26 yo woman diagnosed two days ago. I know who I got it from and I know he knew he did not disclose and was having an active outbreak. When I confronted him he told me “its extremely common, I don’t know why you’re getting so worked up about this.” The mutual friends who set us up are withdrawing from me. My family said you made your decisions now you have to live with them. My doctor said this is one of the work primary outbreaks he has ever seen. I have never been in so much pain. I feel like I’ve been raped. I feel like my life was stolen from me. I don’t know how I will mentally recover from this. I feel like a burden and needy and selfish. I was such an independent and confident person before. I was seeing another man who was so good to me but I didn’t know how to accept it and made a decision to compare him to others and this is where it got me. I told this man immediately and he’s been the most supportive person in my life by far. He told me he loves me and wants to work through this and be here for me. The shame and guilt I feel is a low I didn’t think was possible for me. I do not deserve him. I can’t ask someone to take this risk for me and live with the difficult times to come. Theres no way I can be the same person I was before with him. I don’t want him to feel trapped or look at me differently. I feel like Ill always need reassurance and be indebted to him. I can’t look at myself right now. I stopped taking my birth control and wearing makeup and thew out my bra/undie sets and anything that I would wear to feel attractive and sexual. Its the things like that that don’t make me feel like a woman anymore. In the grocery store watching couples and wondering how easy it is for them. Folding laundry form a week ago before I did this to myself is an unreal feeling. I feel like I’m mourning my life. How do you look at yourself? How do you push away those that aren’t supportive but feel worthy of those that are? How do you not feel like a victim but also not like you brought it on yourself? I can’t focus on anything else right now. I need help

    • This topic was modified 1 month ago by Ally.
    • This topic was modified 1 month ago by Ally.
    #44799
    kimanna72
    Participant

    I was just diagnosed two weeks ago. This has been a very painful two week journey for me both physically and mentally. When I read you feelings I could relate 100%. How are you feeling now? I hope you have been able to push back those negative thoughts and get to feel normal and sexy again.

    #44802
    Gimp463
    Participant

    As someone on the flip side of this I wanted to tell you that nothing about you has diminished in value or worth because of this. I married my husband 13 years ago. He had it when we first got together. He disclosed to me before we were ever intimate. I got my first outbreak last year. I also deal with infertility so even knowing where/who I got it from and that it was bound to happen I still dealt with feeling like even less of a woman than I already did. My husband helped me work through those feelings. I still have them but I can deal with them better now. Embrace your man. He can be your biggest support and advocate when you feel your lowest. As for the nae sayers. This is an illness, one that we have to live with for the rest of our lives. Surround yourself by supportive people. Nobody else deserves to be a part of your life. I will keep you in my thoughts.

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