I just feel like I don’t want to be here anymore.

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    Thank you for this space to vent, I could really use an ear.

    About a year ago I got into a relationship with my boyfriend. I had been in an almost 8 year relationship and got tested after that was over and after I had sexual contact with anyone else, my last time being March of last year. When I got with my boyfriend last year we discussed our sexual pasts and he told me the last time he was tested he was all good. I trusted him and had no reason not to because I knew exactly when he had been at the Drs because although we weren’t together at that point yet, we were dating and it came up in conversation. About a month after we had sex he text me saying “I have to tell you something, please don’t hate me” and told me he had herpes and that it must’ve happened between the time he had been to the doctor and his last sexual encounter with someone else. I was a bit disappointed because I knew better but still let him talk me out of wearing a condom. But knowing that herpes isn’t a death sentence I just kinda let it go and forgave and we went about our lives. We knew we wanted to be together and it honestly wasn’t a huge deal. I had my first outbreak in January accompanied with a uti and it was beyond painful. He kept telling me how he felt so guilty and I would reassure him that it wasn’t his fault and it just happened. Fast forward to this summer. He has a son from a previous relationship that lives out of state and came to visit for a few months. I made it clear to him that I would like to meet and be friendly with his sons mom because we were talking about marriage. I suffered a miscarriage in May and we wanted to try again so I think of his son and his mom to be family. Anyway he would always give me excuses as to why she didn’t want to talk to me which I thought was weird because I was watching her child. I let it go though. Fast forward to last week. I questioned him about something that just didn’t add up to me and he decided to just come clean about the fact that HE’S KNOWN HE’S HAD HERPES FOR ALMOST 3 YEARS. He got it from his sons mom. He told me that HE WANTED ME TO HAVE IT TO SO I WOULDN’T LEAVE HIM. WHICH IS WHY HE PRESSURED ME TO LET HIM TAKE THE CONDOM OFF. He didn’t want me and her to have a face to face conversation because he was afraid that the topic would come up.

    For me it isn’t even about the stigma. I’m a pretty progressive person, I’m in the medical field. I know there’s options for me. I know there are ppl who would still date me. I know herpes is not going to define my life. It hasn’t for the 10 months I’ve known about having it. For me it’s about the betrayal. It’s about being lied to for A YEAR from someone I love so deeply. I feel so crushed. My heart is so broken. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Does anyone have any advice? I don’t want to sound stupid but I still love this person but I don’t know how to move forward. He hid this and lied about it for a year long with no regard to my health. For the most selfish reason, because he thought if I had it I would be “stuck” with him. It’s actually horrifying to think about being in love with someone I don’t even know. And I lost my child. I’m afraid. I’ve been crying for a week straight. I feel so alone and depressed and betrayed. And empty. And stupid for trusting someone. Please help.

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