I dnt understand

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    hopelessnow71
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    Hello everyone I’m happy I found this form. I’ve been dating somebody for 6 months I kind of feel like I’m into him more than he is with me but hes just monotone so maybe I misunderstand him.
    It’s happened twice that I got irritated after having relations.
    I never told him about it I just figured it was a ph balance issue no big deal the last time though it was more intense i went to get tested, I thought maybe he went outside of our agreed upon exclusive dating relationship. The results came back simplex one.
    Of course I was devastated and scared I Google everything and of course traumatize petrified all the words you can think of.
    I also read how it could lay dormant and I could be the one who was carrying and I could have passed this on to him.
    I recently had been superstressed and I read that during terms of stress you can have an outbreak even if you’ve never had one before among other things of course.
    I talked with my doctor he tried to give me hope I was just emotional the whole time figuring well that’s the end of this relationship that I really wanted and that’s the end of me ever finding love and I still feel that way somewhat as my symptoms have slowly began to go away.
    Any hue through the embarrassment of it all I sent him the information via text because I wasn’t sure on how to verbalize it to him and of course he called.
    He was concerned that maybe he had passed it to me and didn’t know about it and that I shouldn’t be embarrassed and that it’s OK and that he will go get tested he was very calm then I started thinking maybe he knew he had it and hes trying to get away with giving me something and having the discussion that he maybe didn’t want to have with me the whole time that we have been together.
    My mind was racing just all kinds of thoughts very emotional and depressed.
    And got his test results back and he is negative.
    I didn’t want to answer my phone I didn’t want to answer my text and when I finally did I told him how heartbroken I was and that I would have to let him go I just wouldn’t feel like spreading something to him and I will just not think of having a partner anymore it’s something I have to deal with now.
    He immediately made a joke and was like I’ll call you later OK?
    As he was at work and couldn’t talk about anything, he actually called me later I was nervous to answer the phone I was quiet I was expecting to hear you know it’s been fun I care about you but I don’t want to risk it.
    Instead he says well he was told he needed to get another test week down-the-line since hes been exposed and that was it And he went on to talk about how his day was when and what he was doing what he was going to do how I’m doing as if nothing.
    I told him doesn’t this basically seal the fate of any real long term relationship that we were going to try to have?
    His answer was you’re so silly you’re the one tripping about this not me He said we’ll just have to be more careful now that’s all it’s not a big deal.
    But in my mind I’m thinking what does he mean I know if it was the other way around I would be saying it’s no big deal I care about you we’ll deal with it because I’m me and I know my caring for this man and wanting to be with him I’m not worried about this diagnosis if it was the other way around. But I can’t imagine him doing that to me and I don’t understand why I can’t.
    He literally still wants to be with me he wants to be around me, I don’t understand I should be happy right right but I’m not.. I feel confused and I’m worried.
    He’s so handsome hes so professional hes such a great parent why would he even want me anymore I don’t understand.
    He has a chance to run, he has a chance to not come down with something that he’ll never be able to get rid of.
    Why is he choosing to act like it’s not a big deal?
    I know how I would respond as I said before it would not matter to me, I care deeply for this man he is something I’ve always dreamed of having. I felt before this diagnosis I had some confidence but now I have this diagnosis I am tainted, extra flawed. Why wouldn’t he move on? We are complete opposites hes very monotone, Doesn’t really seem like he has feelings but you know that he does but he doesn’t show it. I can’t explain I know it sounds weird. A part of me wants to push him away but a part of me wants to continue to be with him. We aren’t even in a actual boyfriend girlfriend relationship we both agreed to exclusively only date each other. I would love to be officially in a relationship but he says we should take our time there’s no rush, with this diagnosis why stay? I haven’t seen him for about 2 weeks by my choice though,
    I’m too embarrassed to look at him in his face, how could he even look at me? He gives me compliments and I don’t know how to accept them. How could he think I’m still pretty how can he be still attracted to me I’m disgusted with myself.
    Sorry for all the long paragraphs sorry for all the typos I’m using my talking text it adds words when it wants to.
    If you guys know how I feel or have an opinion and would like to chime in please let me know, I have an appointment for follow up care and I’m going to talk to my doctor about my feelings and maybe some counseling.
    I’m so lost.

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