I can’t get past this

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  • #44210
    So done
    Participant

    Let me start out By saying I am very new to this. Not to the diagnosis, but to talking about it. I was diagnosed 20 years ago with herpes (literally to type or say the word to this day elicits a visceral response. Sometimes I literally cannot get the word out of my mouth. I was 21 years old- first real boyfriend. About three months in he told me (I’m not such a great way at not such a great time), he had herpes. I decided to stay because I thought “I’d never want someone to walk away from me and this is totally manageable right?” It turned out to be a very bad relationship. I ended up getting it. And I ended up resenting him because even though I took the “compassionate moral high road” he still ended up being a lying, cheating, abusive addict. I stayed because like many of you out there I felt like no one would ever want to be with me, I was unlovable, dirty etc. I grew so resentful my skin would literally crawl around him. So I dove into work, I went back to school, I just kept pushing trying to fill a void I’d never addressed. Everyone who knew me “couldn’t understand why I stayed”. Spoiler alert- the relationship ended badly- like as badly as your 10 year old sin and 12 year old step son catching him cheating on you badly. I was single for 6-7 months, did the online dating thing and found a guy who long story short DIDNT care. We were together 7 years. In hindsight I settled. That makes me feel really shitty as a human being to say I settled – like my life is more valuable than another human beings (because it is not- to be crystal clear I do not think I am better than anyone else). Anyway, after seven years together and my dying father living with us, and having had a child of our own- I found on the morning of my fathers memorial service no less, all kinds of explicit texts, pics etc on his phone (it was kind of funny how it happened because I am not one to look at someone else’s phone – totally not the jealous type… but that’s a different story). So yeah. That ended. 7 months later I figured I’d start online dating because why not? I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. I want love. I want a partner/best friend. So I did it. And honestly herpes was not at the forefront of my mind at that point. I’ve had it for 20 years, been in relationships for 98% of that time. I’m successful, smart, pretty, sarcastic, honest, independent AF, giving, loyal etc. not trying to boost myself up here, trust me my self esteem is lower than the basement, but I am those things. Anyway like online dating goes for everyone (I’m sure), it’s exhilarating, sometimes demeaning, objectifying etc. I told one guy, he had no problem with it (but his court ordered supervised visitation with his daughter was a deal breaker for me lol). And there were a few others that fizzled out. But then there was this one guy. There’s always that one guy right? We dated for about a month. He checked all the “boxes”. We were “intimate” but never any sex or anything I felt put him in danger. I’m lucky in the fact that I have very few outbreaks. Honestly for the last several years all I get is a bit of a rash in my lower back maybe twice a year. Anyway, he invites me to his house for the weekend. I agree knowing this is going to be the point I am going to have to have the “talk”. Long story short it ended up happening probably the worst way possible. To be honest, I was trying to hold off as long as I could because I didn’t want it to end. And it ended badly. Like we are in bed going to sleep (but all of the sudden he doesn’t want to go to sleep), so I stop him, turn on the lights, blurt something out about how 20 years ago my ex told me he had a disease after having sex with me multiple times blah blah blah. I remember when I first started talking this guys hand was in my knee- you know how a partners hand feels on your body when they want you? After I kept talking I remember watching his hand go “dead” on my knee. I remember seeing his face- he looked shocked and uncomfortable. He said at one point “you don’t have to leave”, but I felt like he was just being nice and I left anyway. The whole time in my head I just kept thinking “log this is so uncomfortable just get out of here”. I texted him the next day apologizing for the way things went. Maturely explaining myself and saying at the end- “I will understand if you do not want to talk to me again. If you don’t, I want to thank you for making me feel wanted and beautiful. And if I never hear from you again, I won’t bother you again.” I sent that message at 1:47 in the afternoon. He read it at 1:48. And I never heard a damn thing. It’s been a little over two weeks. I’m really struggling. Not because of this one person- I mean yeah- he checked the boxes, I think the sex would have been great, and I really liked him… but what I am really struggling with now is after 20 freaking years- I feel more alone and hopeless than I ever have before. I don’t want to lead people on. My friends tell me “he wasn’t the right one”, “the right person won’t care” but CHRIST- I still care after 20 years!!! I love my friends don’t get me wrong- but they have no idea about this sort of thing. I am a strong person- as a female I’m a bad ass, I have a masters level education in psychiatry – I am a single mom, I have a hold that lives with me that is not mine but I’m trying to help him further himself. I stand up against injustice, I’ve always fought city hall… but this damn virus inside me that I have to disclose to people is like my Everest. It angers me how “pretty and perfect and strong and real” I am to someone and how much they “want” me- until they find out this about me and the I am shit. I’m ghosted. I’m not worth even a “screw you I never want to talk to you again leave me alone”… just nothing

    #44214
    Pixie
    Participant

    Much love to you. Sorry you’ve struggled so much. Unfortunately I’m new to this so have no words of wisdom yet x

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