April 17, 2021 at 10:14 am #44167
Hi guys I joined this forum last year around this time but never engaged or posted anything. I told myself that I would do so after I finished the book but I am now in the first week of my spiritual journey. I don’t kno any one who has been through my journey so if you have some insight or suggestions it would be great and I really hope I can do the same. I am 34 now but my story began when I was 21 yr old virgin or so I thought.
At 21 I had never been to a OB-GYN…but all my friends were having sex except for me so I felt left out. Not that I didn’t want to, but I was waiting for that special guy. I had come close before but I never went all the way…Fast forward to my appointment…it was painful because I had never had anything inside me or so I thought…but not even a week later I get a call from the MD saying I have chlamydia and HPV… I knew it was a lie and requested to be retested. I was a virgin right? How could this be…but the retest gave me the same results… I was devastated disguisted but the MD assured me I was young and the HPV could go away…and it did 2 years later and after I had been told I have precancerous cells. I was happy and it had been a long road. But also during that time I was also diagnosed with Hepatitis B.
At this time I was 22, living with Hepatitis B and HPV I didn’t know how I gotHepatitis B. And I had even been vaccinated when I was younger. I had a drunken encounter with a “friend,” and to be honest at the time I wasn’t sure if we had sex or not. So I thought maybe I had gotten it from him because I knew he didn’t drink but he told me he didn’t have it. Again, I was devasted and I honestly felt like I couldn’t catch a break…After, I really struggled with wanting to live and closed myself up…I didn’t have much personal interaction with men; until I turned 24.
In the heat of the moment we engaged in oral sex, but I had not told him about my hep B diagnoses prior and was unsure if it could be contracted orally. I eventually told him and that pretty much ending our situation. A year later, I meet another gentleman and I told him about my Hep B diagnoses before we did anything sexual…we even got tested or so I thought,,,because months into us dating I contracted Herpes 2. I know i didn’t have it prior to dating him because I had tested for it in my blood…moreover he also got cold sores.
He denied giving it to me and I tried to deal with it on my own…but having Herpes along with Hep B (at 25/26 years old) made me feel just so unattractive, disgusting, and not anything someone would want. I honestly didn’t think things could get any worse…but 2 years later on Halloween night or really Nov 1 I was raped and left in a motel room…This happened almost 6 years ago.
I am now in a place where I can say I am happy and would like to start dating…and get married I havent done much in the past several years and I am nervous about finding/looking for love because for a long time I didn’t think I deserved it. Sorry my story is long and I tried to condense it so would understand what I have been through..not sure if anyone has struggled with the same issues but it would great to talk to someone who has because besides you guys I don’t have anyone to relate to…April 17, 2021 at 12:25 pm #44168AnnieParticipant
Some of us have these traumas and can relate, yes. I often wonder if I will ever find love – and I admit this happens most often when I’m in pain from OBs.
Therapy helped me realize that when I get caught in the cycle of “why did this happen TO me” that I’m not the best version of myself. I’m the best version of myself when I think about what I’m going to DO.
I keep a little sticky on my mirror that says “From TO to DO”
So… your missions, should you chose to accept them:
1) 30 minutes of some form of self care (I like baths, unless I’m in OB)
2) disclose to one person one of the traumas you have experienced, and ask them for a specific form of support (I’d like a hug)
3) join a dating website – or make the first move if you’re already on one. Practice makes perfect!
And just love yourself. Always. Radically. So much your cup pours over. Sprinkle it like confetti and clean up the mess later.
That kind of love will be what you DO. And (ha ha) it too, is infectious. 🙂April 17, 2021 at 6:23 pm #44176BeLoveParticipant
What a beautiful response, Annie! I agree, love yourself and take time for self care. I wish you well, Val, and keep posting to reach out for more insights in caring for YOU. I like to journal and it helps tremendously.April 18, 2021 at 1:00 am #44177
Thank you…self care is def something I’m trying to make habit of…now realizing now important it is….so thank you and I did say I would try a dating site again so thanks for
The pushApril 18, 2021 at 6:20 pm #44179AnnieParticipant
There’s a few dating sites for people who are positive. I use them as much as I can (not a lot of pickings, ha ha) but I can make a recommendation if you like.
I also have a disclosure script saved on my phone for guys from the other sites, and I do it before I meet them. That way I don’t have hope yet, and frankly- why waste my time on someone who can’t handle it.
Be good to yourself, Val. Your story is yours… and if you feel lonely, we are here 🙂April 23, 2021 at 6:26 am #44208
Thanks Annie your support…you guys support is truly a blessing….I would love to see your script….I think I will try to make the first move…I think it will help push me out of my own way
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