Have you ever outed someone?

[lillygoeseverywhere]

New to the forum….diagnosed HSV2 positive one month ago from my boyfriend (now ex) of 4 years who knew he had it for 30+ years. Before we had sex I asked if he had any STD’s. He said No and that he regularly gave blood and if he had anything, they wouldn’t let him. He even offered to test. Because he was into the process of a divorce from a 24 year marriage where he claimed there were no infidelities and he hadn’t been with anyone since his wife, I felt were safe as I was coming from a 29 year marriage that ended in my husbands passing two years prior to meeting my boyfriend. I thought “How nice! We can have unprotected sex,” I’m currently 63 years old. To make a long story short, I broke off our 4 year relationship (which he was probably the love of my life) because he was unable to work through conflicts which were not frequent and not big deals. He is a very poor communicator and unable or unwilling to resolve differences. OBVIOUSLY. I had tell tale signs of an occasional blister near my shaving area. I would have him look at it and he would tell me it was nothing, just from shaving. He never discussed his HSV2 status or history. Never used the word herpes. Did not take medication. Did nothing to protect me. After our breakup, 2 months later I had stress and it showed up and I received my diagnosis. When I confronted him via text, he called to say he was sorry about my diagnosis and ponied up to giving it to me as well as giving it to his ex-wife.

I’ve calmed the way down over the last month but can’t get beyond how his life continues on without skipping a beat while my world will never be the same. I know causing him emotional pain does nothing for me but I want him to feel the pain that I do. I’m on the edge about disclosing his HSV status with his sisters. I feel the need to tell someone close to him so he can feel dirty in his world. He is 68 and his sisters are older.

Has anyone been in this situation? And what did you do?

I also hope that his sisters can counsel him on his need to disclose his status prior to sex, get on medication and use a condom. I don’t think he will because he doesn’t seem to have a problem giving women he loves herpes. And, I’m pretty sure there were other women he gave this to in his past. Plus, he us too cheap to pay for medication and condoms although he can afford it.

Please help me decide.

Thank you very much for listening and being there for me.

[finn012361]

Hi Lilly,
I was infected by my ex husband who knew he had genital herpes for 30 years. When he was infected, I was only 11 years old. He had over 20 years before meeting me to learn about this infection and unfortunately none of the women before me ever held him accountable for whatever reason (I’ll never know). I think it is important to hold people accountable so that the behavior hopefully stops. If you think that involves telling his family then I think you should. Doing nothing will only allow him to continue to do this to other women. I would tell everyone personally, that is what I did. I told my husband’s mother and any mutual friends. I think part of the reason this virus is so prevalent is due to our inability culturally to talk about it. I will caution you though that telling people was mostly disappointing to me, so don’t expect too much. People are very uncomfortable with this subject and I found that even my closest friends were unable or unwilling to rise to the occasion… even when all I really needed was someone to care, to express concern for my well being etc. and frankly to condemn his actions. Where I live, it is against the law, but I’ve been told it is kind of a tricky thing to prove. This has got to stop! It is so unnecessarily destructive. I’m so sorry that this happened to you and wish that it hadn’t. Hopefully, your outbreaks won’t be recurrent. I am unfortunately in the group where they are and even 2 years into this, I’m still having outbreaks monthly. I can say they aren’t as bad as they were at first. Stress, chocolate and too much sugar are my biggest triggers. Lysine didn’t work for me. But I did notice that drinking ginger tea makes my sores heal faster. I just cut up ginger root and boil it in water and add lemon and honey… the stronger the better.
Take care, Finn

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