Feeling Alone

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    I went in to urgent care yesterday for what I thought was a yeast infection and came out with life-changing news: I had herpes. I has fun throughout college and was pretty promiscuous, however, I always prided myself on the fact that I protected myself. I frequently got tested to make sure I didn’t have any STDs. However, I just learned that when I was saying “Test for all of it,” they were never testing for herpes and they never thought to tell me. All this time, I thought I didn’t have it.

    Back in January, I started dating this amazing guy. I made sure to get tested again before we slept together (again, no Herpes tests though). It is the healthiest and best relationship I have ever had. After learning that I have herpes yesterday, I have been in severe pain – barely able to walk or sit and literally crying when I have to pee. The doctor gave me Valtrex and I am taking Advil – WHAT ADVICE DO PEOPLE HAVE FOR HOW TO MANAGE PAIN OF OUTBREAKS?

    I am also now terrified to tell my boyfriend about it. We are so good at communicating and he is so understanding, so there is a good chance it will be fine. But I am still so terrified that this could be the deal breaker and that he will not want to live with this risk. I know I need to stay calm for this conversation and explain to him all the facts (have been doing lots of research in the last 24 hours), but I am in so much pain and just so shocked and sad by this news that all I want to do is cry in his arms. I know I can’t do that because I need to show him that this is no big deal, but he is the person I go to when I’m upset. I am just feeling so alone in all of this and need people to talk to, especially those going through the same thing. WHAT ADVICE DO PEOPLE HAVE FOR TELLING YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER? WHAT ADVICE DO PEOPLE HAVE FOR GOING FORWARD IN A RELATIONSHIP AFTER DIAGNOSIS?

    I am so happy to have found this discussion group and look forward to talking with people.



    Hey Cassi, I know exactly how you feel! My boyfriend knew about all my symptoms and when I came back from doctor and told him what I had, he was not mad at all, he actually apologized to me for what I was going through and said it wasn’t my fault at all and that it will be okay, my advice would to be honest with him and tell him that the meds prescribed will help with outbreaks but the virus will be in your body forever and as long as you guys use protection he should be fine, but to get tested anyways. good luck!


    Dr. Kelly

    My heart goes out to you! As far as symptom management, you can ice the area and there are several symptom management suggestions I make in my book. I also interviewed Bridgitte Mars on herpes symptom management on my podcast. You can check that out by clicking the podcast link.

    As far as disclosure, speak your truth and speak right from the heart. The sooner the better! There is a chance that he was the carrier and you got it from him. There are several carriers of the herpes virus and they don’t even know it.

    If it truly is a healthy and strong relationship, he will be there for you. Lean in and face your fears. No matter what, we at Pink Tent will be here for you!



    I had the same anxiety when I met my now boyfriend of 4 years. I felt like I was going to have a heart attack but I did end of telling him after a few dates and I seemed to think this was going somewhere. I know you guys were already dating but I just sat him down and said I have something to tell you and I had a million facts ready if needed to help answer any of his questions. I told him in a very scientific way and tried to keep my feelings out of it because I didnt want to be upset in front of him if he rejected me. After about a thirty min conversation he said that he wanted to do his own research and think about it. I gave him the space he needed and continue to freak out when I got home because one previous boyfriend excepted me but held it over my head and threatened to tell my whole soccer team (this was when I was a senior in college).
    A few hours later or maybe it was the next day he said that he did his research and was okay with it. BUT on my part I did remain on suppressive therapy for about a year and a half during our relationship until we talked about it and he was okay with my decision to get off. Now we are super careful and dont have sex if I think there is an outbreak about to occur or if there is one. He is very considerate of my feelings and tries to be supportive.

    I know this is going to feel stressful for you but my opinion be prepared and try to answer his question calmly and try not get upset if his reaction is not something you expected. Know you are a strong person and this diagnosis does not define you.



    Wanted to give an update and thank everyone for making me feel less alone. I spoke with my boyfriend last night and he was so understanding and was primarily upset that I hadn’t told him, as he wanted to be there for me. He made something that felt like the end of the world a few days ago, feel like it is no big deal, as it is. The medicine is finally working and my symptoms are subsiding so I am in significantly less pain. He is going to get tested this week so we can see where to go from here. I feel so much better than I did last week as I am surrounded by supportive people. I know that this does not have to define me and I wanted to write back in to let those who are just now beginning to go through it that it does get better – something that I didn’t necessarily feel when I first found out.



    Cassi you are not alone. I had a similar situation. So much pain it was horrible. 4 full days of not being able to do anything but try to manage the pain. I too had to tell my boyfriend of 1 year. The best relationship I’ve ever had then this! I found out he was very supportive and it’s made our relationship stronger. He’s been amazing through this and he found out he has it too. We both agreed Ed they spending our time trying to figure out how this happened And pointing fingers at who gave who the herpes is not useful and will drive us crazy. You are not alone and the pain will go away and things will get better.



    I found out 7 weeks ago at 46 years old that I have herpes. Likely, I was infected by my previous boyfriend over a year ago as I had thought I had a really bad yeast infection. Right before my diagnosis I had started dating someone and had sex with him once. Upon learning I have HSV2, I told him. I did my best to be calm, positive, give him information about the virus and not let this define me. The night I told him he/we decided he still wanted to have sex. I had no expectations of this happening but was happy that he accepted me and felt this was not a deal breaker for him. That was 5.5 weeks ago. After this night he said he wanted to do his own research and process which I totally understood. So it has been almost 6 weeks and we have not had a physical relationship since the night I told him. I like him, I’m trying to be patient but this is hurting me. We see each other weekly, do sleepovers, even sleep naked but no real physical contact. After each date, I come home in tears from feeling like he is afraid to be physical with me. The will he “accept me or reject me” is hurting me so much. We have talked about it some and he says he wants to get tested but has not yet. How long do I wait? Do I wait? I know people need time to process but this seems like a really long time.



    I have HSV-1 so my doctor told me the first outbreak would be severe. It has been. The first few days (maybe actually day 3-4) because I didn’t see a doctor until I noticed full symptoms were horrible. The first day I was only taking the antiviral so was in immense pain. I am finally feeling much better today, what I think is day 7, and hope it continues to improve. I had to work the whole week and some of the things that really helped me through towards the end were Tylenol extra strength (I was scared to take it with the antiviral, but haven’t had problems). Epsom Salt baths, this has helped more than I can say, including with the pain. I take two or three a day. At least in the morning and before I sleep. Also, if you are really having trouble peeing drink more water, it sounds crazy but works. I was struggling with posting on here or not, but I was so alone and in so much pain my first few days that I decided I would do anything to help those going through the same thing. It does get better and even with outbreaks at least in the future you a) aren’t dealing with the unknown which was the scariest part for me and b) have tools to handle the temporary pain. Lots of good vibes being sent to anyone dealing with this!

    • This reply was modified 4 days ago by  Lila.
    • This reply was modified 4 days ago by  Lila.
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