Topic: feelings of suicide
Ive been crying all night…
And actually posted earlier in the forum. Ive had H for 5 years now, and u would think I would have some grasp on it… but i dont.
I feel so ashamed, and alone. The thought of having this forever is so crushing…and i contemplate suicide quite often.
Honestly, my depression has gotten so out of hand i frequently have to smoke weed just to slow my calm the anxiety and make it easier to get through the day.i dont want to die, but the stress, and depression, the anxiety, i feel, will kill me. Im only 27.
i feel broken, and i have a daughter. I feel like i feel like i havent been able to be the best mother because my depression is out of control.
I hate this disease and will honestly always hate the person who gave it to me. I feel like they tool every bit of confidence from me. And i feel like ill never find true love or be able to be sexually free again.
Even if i did find someone, how would i even feel comfortable enough to ever let someone touch me again.
and i get outbreaks quite frequently. at one point i was having them once a month… lasting for weeks.
who would want to have a partner who has to deal with that?
i honestly wish i could just disappear.
Like many of you, I was recently diagnosed with HSV-2 and it has been a whirlwind!
The feelings of sadness, madness, shame, embarrassment – you name it! all there. My experience with this virus has been so weird. I want to know if there are others having symptoms in the same order.
So, it first started with this burning sensation whenever I peed. I went to urgent care and they thought I had a yeast infection so I got meds for that. At the time, all blood work showed negative for all STDs. I continued taking the medication but urinating was becoming more painful. Went back to urgent care, they took a swab, and put me on Valtrax just in case the worse happened. After taking Valtrax for two days, the burning slowed down and I learned to pee in a position so that the pee would not touch the walls. Unfortunately, I got the dreaded news that I was HSV-2 positive. Suffice it to say, I’ve been a mess since the news.
Medication was making me feel better. But after finishing my first round of valtrex, I started to feel a burning sensation on my mouth and my lips started to get very dry (like when cold wind hits you). I started putting aquafor on my lips to keep them moist. That helped. But then I started seeing small bumps on the corners of my lips. So, I knew a cold sore wants to come. I’ve been using campo-phenique, Lysine, apple cider vinegar, tea tree oil, and coconut oil (saw all these methods that have worked for YouTubers). Blisters formed and the bumps never grew. I’m now at that phase were they feel really dry. I’m wondering if it will scab over eventually or what? because they never really became that horrible. Or I don’t know if they will manifest themselves more in a couple of days. This really has me on edge because I’ve never suffered from skin problems on my face. I have back ache to top things off – been using heat pads for that.
I thought my vaginal issues had subsided already. But itching has commenced again!! I had to get up at 2 AM to fill my tub with warm water and sit for a while. I then added apple cider vinegar; doesn’t sting that much (well, at least for me); that helped me sleep + 800 mg. of ibuprofen.
What do you guys use for that itching? I’m continuing with apple cider vinegar and adding aloe vera gel. It’s kind of helping. I just don’t want it to get bad to the point I can’t walk. So far, I’ve been able to manage most symptoms. I don’t know if these are all just part of my first outbreak or if they are separate episodes.
I know I wrote a lot! lol. I hope I get more insight from you 🙂
Topic: New diagnosis
It’s been 3 days since I was told by a doctor I have herpes, I can’t say I took the news very well (anyone else come from a childhood filled with fear mongering techniques by their religious parents?), I cried a bit in the doctors office, and at home. I somewhat got over myself by the next day, calming down about what it means to have herpes. It was time to focus on immediate symptoms, specifically painful ones, the worst of which being urinating.
Every time I need to go to the bathroom I find myself pacing around the apartment, scared, after the few minutes it takes to even get myself in the bathroom I’m sitting, then standing up, then sitting down again. I grab the small hand towel I set out just for this reason, shove it in my mouth, stare at the wall, begin the pep talk “it’s only for a minute, you’ll feel so much better after you’ve finished. This is the worst the pain will be, ever, it only gets better from here”
I still have a hard time, but the stream comes, I feel it hit every bit of skin, every red, painful lesion stinging as if a jellyfish was trying to fit itself into the vaginal canal I so desperately wanted to not be mine in that moment.
And then I’m done, just like that. 20 minutes to build it up, 2 minutes to be done, I feel pathetic, I know, it’s not, but still..I feel f*cking weak.
thats been the worst part for me, everything else I don’t mind too much, well, besides the fact that I can’t really workout, or dance, and I work as a performer, so my first outbreak is also an impromptu work vacation, apparently.
I have a few friends being supportive of my new diagnosis, I told my sisters but they mostly just brushed over it and started talking about their day. Oddly enough, two weeks prior to my diagnosis I began dating a doctor, not OB/GYN, he’s an anesthesiologist, but still, it’s one of the more interesting coincidences I’ve experienced.
So far it’s been nice seeing the way he stares at my medication going on about dosages and what he’s given the same medication to his patients for, but it also scares me, at time I feel like a frog waiting to be dissected. I should just be appreciative of it.
Last night I went to stay in his apartment (we live in the same building) which was fine, he did some work, we watched a film, then we went to bed, simple, relaxed. Everything was good, it was nice to sleep next to him, but then comes morning, and I’m waking up having to pee.
I felt panic, embarrassment, and anger all at once, and he’s laying with his arms wrapped around me sleeping like a baby, I think that was what really brought on the anger, I was jealous that he was okay, and I wasn’t, and then, laying there an extra 15 minutes with a full bladder, partially because I wanted to feel his arms around me, partially because I was too embarrassed to do anything else, I just kept telling myself “he’s an anesthesiologist, he deals with people in pain constantly, he understands what it means to have herpes” and I still felt like absolute shit, even typing this I’m upset by the situation. I had to lean over to him and as simply put as possible say “I’m going downstairs” and gave him a kiss on the cheek, his grunted response exhibiting his relaxed state, and I walked out of his apartment, then I ran to the elevators, I let it go too long, I was too self conscious.
Now we’re back in my apartment, back to the bathroom, teeth clamped over cloth, white knuckles as I grab onto whatever I can find, screaming into the cloth. I think I let myself scream a little louder this morning, just from the frustration of it all, I couldn’t stand him, or anyone, seeing me like this, I can barely stand seeing myself like this.
but the first outbreak is always the worst, right?
So glad I found this website and a place to openly discuss my hsv2. As stated in the title I was exposed and diagnosed with hsv2 in April of this year. I contracted it by a guy I been knowing for years and thought I trusted. Like most I was scared, pissed, sad you name it. My first outbreak was the worst like most people experience. I was given valtrex to suppress the outbreak then experienced a second outbreak that was kind of painful by not like the 1st one. After I started doing more through research of what I could do to help suppress the symptoms naturally. I use Lysine that was purchased from my local grocery store and also I take Olive Leaf extract pills. This helps boost the immune system and fight viruses inside the body. I naturally have a weak immune system so I take things to help boost my immune system, which I feel is what will help me have less to no outbreaks. Also, Vitamin C is a great immune booster as most know. I have come to terms with having hsv2 and don’t want it to define my life. When first diagnosed with hsv2 I did feel my life was over, the first thought was no one is going to want to date me and I may not be able to have kids. This of course is NOT true after speaking with two of my physicians. I just wanted to be of encouragement to anyone recently diagnosed with hsv2 and feels alone.
Topic: HSV 1 genital confirmation
This is all very new, and still very shocking and confusing for me. I believe I contracted HSV 1 genitally 10 months ago. I felt weird zapping/shooting pains down below, but no sores. The pains lasted all but a day and went away. Time to time I experienced weird stomach sensations similar to a UTI, but did not have a UTI. Long story short, I have not had a typical outbreak. Just very mild irritation is all. 6 months after the initial contact with the person who has HSV 1 orally, I had two IGG blood test that said negative for both HSV 1 and 2. I finally went in and had my irritated spot swabbed which confirmed HSV 1. How could the blood tests not have picked this up? Why are my symptoms mild and not of typical herpes lesions. I feel like I have had symptoms every month since June. But again, my symptoms are strange and not the typical tingling, etc. are swab tests ever wrong? Could this be something else? My physician has put me on valeted, and honestly, I feel no different. I thought HSV 1 genitally rarely had recurring outbreaks. Needing as much information/advice possible. Thank you.
Topic: Absolute Devestation
I have been diagnosed with HSV2 and I am currently experiencing my first outbreak. I was praying that whatever I was experiencing was not HSV2. I feel so broken. My nieces are over (ages 5 & 4) and I trying not to cry in front of them, because as I watch them so innocent, I pray that no one ever puts them through this. I told the guy I am dating and he still says he loves me, but I don’t even know when we can be intimate again. I feel like he doesn’t deserve a girl with a disease. I plan to take medicine everyday…the thought of doing this for the rest of my life (I’m 31) makes me want to cry a river of tears. I am broken. I can never tell my friends and family.
Hey everyone, I’m 22 years old and I recently found that I have genital herpes symptoms. I have been dating my current boyfriend for about several months now and I had him checked for STD’s before we did anything sexual. 6 days ago we were grinding, no intercourse, and a few days later I had the symptoms. I know for sure he gave it to me and it hurts to think that the guy I care about gave me an incurable illness. He denies having it and I haven’t told him. I’m scared. I’ve only slept with one person my whole life as I’m so scared of getting STD’s and now I’ve got this to worry about. I’m in complete shock! I haven’t told anyone about this, and I don’t want to because I know I will be looked down on. I just had my first outbreak and I’ve heard it’s supposed to be the worst so here’s hoping it gets better here on out. I’m scared about having to deal with these symptoms for the rest of my life, and I’m so young as it is. I’m just praying that it gets better, I don’t know what to do. Has anyone on here tried antiviral drugs? Do they help at all? Also, can anyone please tell me how to deal with the symptoms? Thanks!
I’m a single mother two time divorcee, five years single but still had a few partners in my single years (all men). My last partner (a man) was more than 8 months ago. I hadn’t had insurance for 5 years – due to it not being offered in any of my full time jobs, but this time, I was able to receive health insurance. I decided to go for a check up and get tested. I requested for the complete run down. Herpes included. Fast forward a week later and my doctor called me in for a “consultation”. I immediately thought my HPV had come back and I needed to get my pre-cancer cells zapped out again. But the news was far worse than that. Turns out I was right about having HPV again, this time not cancerous, but I was also diagnosed with HSV-2. I was DEVASTATED. I hadn’t experienced any major outbreaks, but I sort of had a gut feeling based on having a small blister on my genitals. I didn’t want to think about it, so I quickly wrote the thought off. After all, I was told in the past, the effects of Herpes 2 comes rather quickly. Boy, was I wrong. Anyway, I treated it, but then another appeared and I treated that as well.
I asked my doctor if the blister was caused by Herpes 2, he said no. In fact, any question I had about this virus, he quickly brushed me off and told me to live life “as I have” before quickly ushering me out of the door. I was angry, I was sad, I was confused. I hadn’t had sex in over 8 months and it was someone I’d known and had been dating for over three years. I’d finally dumped him and this was his parting gift? I was so numb I couldn’t even cry. I was a ball of mixed emotions.
I have a huge crush on a woman at my job and she feels the same for me. The moment I saw her, I zinged. Long story short about us, I’m open about my sexuality and she isn’t, so there have been several talks about risking it all for love. I was more than willing to wait for her to open up, I was following my heart and allowing my true feelings to take over. She changed a lot of things for me and I for her. But… My immediate thought process once the diagnosis had sunk in was, “welp it’s over.” “Any future with her is done. All bets are off. I’m not worth the risk of her coming out, let alone being with. I’m damaged goods. She’ll never understand or accept this.” And that’s when I cried. Since then, I have avoided her. We still keep in touch but there’s zero flirtation and talks about going out on a date. I don’t entertain her statements about being in a relationship with a woman. Things are just not the same. I don’t feel the need to disclose my status to her as we are nothing more than work buddies and to be honest I would really like to be private with my journey.
But I am still so confused about dating someone of the same sex when I actually do find that person. I’ve done so much research since finding out about my status, and I couldn’t find much information about the likelihood of passing it on to a woman. I’m still trying to cope with having the virus. And now I have to be extra careful because of my HPV. I did learn that stress causes outbreaks and I noticed that every time I think about having it, I can feel my skin flaring up and my buttocks itching. I’m happy about being in the know about my status, as I also learned that doctors don’t normally check for it unless it’s requested, I learned that more people have it then we care to think about. And more than likely still won’t get tested. I’m slowly building my confidence back up and working up the nerve to share it on my diary blog. I’m taking it one day at a time. But I’m here to give and receive support. There are days I feel fine and there are days I feel defeated. I keep a smile on my face either way, but the thought is still buried in the back of my mind, quickly surfacing to the front. I’m now in no rush to date, again, but any information on transmitting the disease to a woman would be helpful. Thanks so much for reading my entry, and an even bigger thank you for allowing me to read your personal stories.
Topic: MY TRUTH-my diagnoses
I will start by saying I have NEVER told anyone my truth and have never shared with anyone other than my gynecologist. I am hoping that by telling my story here I will find the confidence to share it with a potential partner. My reason for not sharing has been embarrassment and fear of being looked at differently or rejected. Also, I don’t want “friends” telling other “friends” or anyone else knowing my personal business. For example one of my best friends who I usually confide in made me aware years ago of another mutual friend who was devastated by a diagnoses. I am pretty sure it was herpes and I wanted to reach out when I was diagnosed but I couldn’t because I wasn’t supposed to know she had it. (crazy huh) She has since been in an amazing long term relationship and I want guidance on how to share with a potential partner and what her ups and downs were but I can’t ask.
I have probably had herpes well over 25 years but was diagnosed almost 4 years ago. As Dr. Kelly states in her book, Drs. sometimes brush it off for various reasons. I remember telling my gynecologist in my late 20’s (I’m early 50s now) that I had the strangest symptoms. Whenever I got my period I would get a rash on my right hip. He lightly said “Oh it’s probably just herpes” and moved on. I now know that it was the symptoms of herpes. Honestly I am glad I wasn’t made aware then because I don’t know how my life would have turned out or how I would have handled it but I often wonder if I have exposed anyone else unknowingly.
Originally I diagnosed myself. I have always been conscious of my health, getting yearly exams including checks for STDs. I ended up getting a cold sore under my nose and went to the pharmacy to get an ointment. Because I am also indecisive I couldn’t figure out what to get so I asked the pharmacist. He informed me it was a virus that was internal and I should try the Abreva. What…. an internal virus! I turned to google when I got home and realized the images staring at me on the screen looked very familiar to what I experienced monthly on my thigh. Yes I said monthly! The blessing is I don’t have vaginal issues, my symptoms are sacral meaning I “only” get a small patch of bumps on my thigh or on my buttocks.
My marriage was causing severe stress for unrelated reasons and my symptoms were out of control. Fast and frequent when one would leave, another would come. I had to confide in someone so on my next visit to a new gynecologist I stated “I need to tell you something….I think I have herpes” His reply was ….is that all? What? Long story short I had a blood test done to find out I have HSV types 1 and 2.
The original plan was to take Valtrex only when I had an outbreak but they were too frequent. My doctor couldn’t believe that I experienced them once or more a month. I have been on suppressive therapy for almost 3 years and it has been a God send.
I have been following a cleanse that has helped me to lose weight ONLY to find out that the foods required cause outbreaks! Protein bars, meal replacement shakes, protein powder, and nuts. I have been eating this way DAILY almost 2 years. By reading Dr. Kelly’s book I know this is a definite no no. I am so lost at this point I don’t know what to do or eat. Strenous exercise…..what? I am now on a journey to heal from within and following Dr. Kelly’s book. I do know my emotions trigger outbreaks. I can feel the tension in my back when something or someone gets on my nerves or I get stressed. I have found solace in the PinkTent website and am Optimistic that I can eliminate my symptoms altogether.
I have met a man that I am quite interested in. We have similar marital situations and have been communicating well over a year and have a chemistry that you know sex is forthcoming. We’ve even talked about it. I have to tell him of my issue but I don’t know how, where to begin, or what to even say. The caveat is we work together. I am terrified of how he will respond. My fear is having a coworker knowing something so personal about me if it doesn’t work out.
Any suggestions or guidance is appreciated!
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