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  • #44175
    Annie
    Participant

    I tell guys right up front. Before I even meet them in person, honestly – don’t make an investment in someone who can’t deal 🙂

    I do this

    – so, hey, it was nice to meet you. I want to be respectful of your time – and mine. You should know I have a virus that causes a skin condition, I get cold sores and herpes. I know how to help prevent it from spreading, but I’m a responsible adult so I’m telling you up front. Happy to answer any questions you have – and hey, if this means I’m not for you, good luck out there. You seem like a nice guy

    About half the time they ask questions, about half the time they ghost. I don’t actually care at that point because I’m not invested yet.

    Also. There are dating apps for people who are positive. 🙂

    Val
    Participant

    Hi guys I joined this forum last year around this time but never engaged or posted anything. I told myself that I would do so after I finished the book but I am now in the first week of my spiritual journey. I don’t kno any one who has been through my journey so if you have some insight or suggestions it would be great and I really hope I can do the same. I am 34 now but my story began when I was 21 yr old virgin or so I thought.
    At 21 I had never been to a OB-GYN…but all my friends were having sex except for me so I felt left out. Not that I didn’t want to, but I was waiting for that special guy. I had come close before but I never went all the way…Fast forward to my appointment…it was painful because I had never had anything inside me or so I thought…but not even a week later I get a call from the MD saying I have chlamydia and HPV… I knew it was a lie and requested to be retested. I was a virgin right? How could this be…but the retest gave me the same results… I was devastated disguisted but the MD assured me I was young and the HPV could go away…and it did 2 years later and after I had been told I have precancerous cells. I was happy and it had been a long road. But also during that time I was also diagnosed with Hepatitis B.
    At this time I was 22, living with Hepatitis B and HPV I didn’t know how I gotHepatitis B. And I had even been vaccinated when I was younger. I had a drunken encounter with a “friend,” and to be honest at the time I wasn’t sure if we had sex or not. So I thought maybe I had gotten it from him because I knew he didn’t drink but he told me he didn’t have it. Again, I was devasted and I honestly felt like I couldn’t catch a break…After, I really struggled with wanting to live and closed myself up…I didn’t have much personal interaction with men; until I turned 24.
    In the heat of the moment we engaged in oral sex, but I had not told him about my hep B diagnoses prior and was unsure if it could be contracted orally. I eventually told him and that pretty much ending our situation. A year later, I meet another gentleman and I told him about my Hep B diagnoses before we did anything sexual…we even got tested or so I thought,,,because months into us dating I contracted Herpes 2. I know i didn’t have it prior to dating him because I had tested for it in my blood…moreover he also got cold sores.
    He denied giving it to me and I tried to deal with it on my own…but having Herpes along with Hep B (at 25/26 years old) made me feel just so unattractive, disgusting, and not anything someone would want. I honestly didn’t think things could get any worse…but 2 years later on Halloween night or really Nov 1 I was raped and left in a motel room…This happened almost 6 years ago.
    I am now in a place where I can say I am happy and would like to start dating…and get married I havent done much in the past several years and I am nervous about finding/looking for love because for a long time I didn’t think I deserved it. Sorry my story is long and I tried to condense it so would understand what I have been through..not sure if anyone has struggled with the same issues but it would great to talk to someone who has because besides you guys I don’t have anyone to relate to…

    #44160
    herlife21
    Participant

    I contracted herpes 2 from someone who didn’t disclose it 2.5 years ago. I’ve had monthly outbreaks which recently turned to non stop. Going back to dating scene with herpes is very stressful. I had mixed reactions. One guy said he wouldn’t risk his life and his kids life and treated me like I had leprosy. I had another guy who said he admired my honesty and still wanted to get to know me but there was no attraction on my end so we just remained friends. A couple more guys admitted they had herpes after I brought it up but “didn’t know it was contagious” yeah right…
    Lastly, this guy I recently met turned out to be a carrier too but had no idea until he got tested after I told him I had it. He never had an outbreak in his life. Bottom line is I never met a person who volunteered to bring it up first. But we women are so stupid to tell our business to strangers. My outbreaks are non stop and out of control so for me it’s either not go on dates at all and stay home all alone depressed or disclose it to selected people after a few dates. But hun if you don’t have outbreaks don’t feel obligated to tell anyone unless you’re 100% positive they’re clean. How would you know? Next time you meet someone say let’s get tested before getting intimate and you’ll be surprised how many will come back positive. You can always say you had no idea when yours come back positive.
    I’m 44 btw, and wish I knew what I know now when I was your age. Good luck!

    #44125
    clouds
    Participant

    Hi,

    I’m new to the pinktent. I’ve been really struggling with HSV2 – I’m 19 and I got herpes this summer (when I was 18) from someone who lied to me about getting tested for STI’s. That person was the second person I’ve ever had a sexual experience with, and the first person I ever had a sexual experience with raped me. Up until now I’ve been pretty scarred from these experiences and I’ve completely cut off all means of sex – oral, vaginal, anal. Recently, I really liked this guy and ended up staying the night with him, though I thought I was preventing the spread of herpes by not having any form of sex. I didn’t realize it could also be spread through genital contact. When I realized this, I immediately told him to get tested (even though I had no recent outbreaks) and tried to explain herpes to him. This was my first time ever having to tell someone I have herpes and I felt so scared and so “dirty”. I really liked the guy and even thought he might accept me with my herpes but he completely cut me off and stopped talking to me.

    If any of you could answer some questions for me I’d really appreciate that: How have you learned to accept herpes? As a 19 year old, I feel like my dating life is over and I feel like anyone who knows I have herpes won’t want me. How do you know when to tell someone about the herpes? How do you continue to have a dating life? Are there any tips you have about living with herpes?

    Thanks and have a good day!

    #44096
    Alex
    Participant

    I got my first symptoms in November 2020, three weeks after sleeping with the guy I was dating. Shortly after my period had ended, I experienced some kind of pain and small bumps in the anus area, but I just thought those were hemorrhoids, considering the location and the fact that my whole family has problems with them. A week later, I went to gynecologist for a regular check-up and she took a quick look at my bumps and said they could be herpes sores. I was completely shocked and decided to talk to my boyfriend ASAP. He was pretty cool about it and denied ever having one.
    A month later, I had another outbreak and that’s when I started living in hell. I went to the doctor’s, in huge pain, crying for help. My boyfriend, who was supposed to be my rock, accussed me of cheating and carrying multiple STDs, adding: ‘Herpes isn’t that serious, it can’t hurt that much’.
    At that point, I was 25, with the history of 3 sexual partners in total. I’d never been tested on anything since I’d never had any problems below the waist. And of course I wasn’t cheating.
    Then he added: ‘I can’t go through this again. I was once with a girl who cheated on me, who only admitted that when she started feeling itchiness and we both needed to get tested. Thank god, I didn’t catch anything then and I’m not planning to now.’
    We broke up and I was left completely crushed, with constant outbreaks ever since.
    At least the results for standard STDs were negative, HSV2 included. So the doctor told me that I probably have HSV1.
    I’ve been wondering for months how did I get it. Do you think it’s possible that his ex got him infected and he’s transmitting the desease without knowing? Or maybe he’s keeping it a secret?
    There’s one more possible candidate, but in a 3 month gap between the intercourses I think I would’ve noticed symptoms.
    Sorry for the long post, but I think won’t be able to overcome this until I get some answers. Does anyone have a similar experience? 🙁

    #43977

    In reply to: Advice on hsv2 and BV

    BeLove
    Participant

    Hello, til. I am married for 31 years now and my husband told me while dating that he had herpes. I remained free of it until about 1.5yr. ago when my immune system was way out of balance. I had a severe outbreak and had no idea what it was as it didn’t present as blisters but rather split skin/raw tenderness/severe itching. I could hardly walk when I finally went to the doctor and got diagnosed. So I either contracted early on and it remained dormant or got it later but my husband hasn’t had a recurrence in many many years. I am so sorry you are feeling this way but please know that it can happen to anyone. You were careful as my husband was as well. I still have recurrence of severe itching about 3-4 days but is under control but recently had a bad outbreak that I’ve not had for a very long time. I just try to be gentle with myself in mind/body. I tried L-Lysine as well but had the same results, I guess so stopped taking it but others seem to benefit. I just stopped taking valacyclovir about a month ago having been on a daily dose since diagnosis and didn’t feel it was making a difference. But maybe I should rethink that since I am in a more severe outbreak than just the itching. I wish you well!

    #43890
    herlife21
    Participant

    I got herpes 2.5 years ago from a guy who didn’t bother disclosing his condition. Having been raised with good values I felt it was necessary to share my condition with every potential partner right on or after the first date with details how when and from whom I got it so I wouldn’t waste their time in case it was a dealbreaker. Looking back this cost me losing self esteem and self respect by exposing myself to strangers who didn’t deserve or earn my trust. Don’t make this mistake. You will only attract all the wrong men and predators who can sense your weakness and insecurity and will only use you for free access to sex with no intentions to commit. Simply no commitment = no sex. Once a true connection and interest is established you can have the talk remembering you don’t owe anyone the truth how and when you got it.

    #43874
    jellyyelley
    Participant

    `Recently diagnosed with herpes. I do not know how to feel. I have felt numb all day, I am reading every article i can on living with herpes. I haven’t been formally told I have it yet, but I can tell the doctor is sure just by looking at my butt cheek. I feel certain that the last guy I’ve been intimate with is the person to tranmit it to me,he is the only guy I’ve had unprotected sex with in four years. I have taken 2 std screenings before him, and they were both clean. I feel scared to tell him. What if he didn’t know he had it, he would be mad at me, thinking i gave it to him. How would I feel if he was aware he had it. I don’t see it playing out well with telling him. I feel as though my life is over. I feel so ashamed and mad at myself. I cannot let my family know i have this. I do not want to disappoint them. I am 27 and I dont know up from down. Where im from the population is so small and i dont want my name out there because of herpes. It’s nobody’s business but mine. And with that thought I cannot possible think of dating. My desperate want for a partner for life has gotten me in this mess, and now this mess is seriously going to cause chances of meeting someone to be over. I cannot tell anyone i have this. I luckily have 2 close friends and they have been gets in supporting me, but I really wish I had someone i could speak with that has lived with this for a few years. I need help comprehending that I have this and what does this really mean for my life moving forward.

    #43681
    MJane
    Participant

    Hi, I was diagnosed with Herpes after having a relationship with my boyfriend of 3 years, we had outbreaks at the same time, which I found weird because of being together for that long. I felt horrible, I haven’t have many sexual partners (4), but he assured me he was clean before me. I felt like I should stick it out with him because we were together in this, and I didn’t want to tell anyone about my condition, but the relationship was really crumbling.

    We broke up, and I met someone who I really liked and felt I could trust and I told him everything he was really nice about it and we kept going out with having a sex. After 2 months we had sex and the next day he told me he couldn’t do it again (horrible experience), but then he came back and we went out for a year. The relationship turned toxic, I stayed because I was afraid he would tell people about my diagnosis, but every time we fought he would say things like “not everyone would be with someone like you” (referring to HSV positive). He even cheated on me I convinced me I should stay because “he was good” for having sex with me.

    I don’t know what to do now, I’m afraid of dating because of my previous experience. Also, I had unprotected sex for most of that year and he never got infected (he had lab tests done on regular basis) so I know I can have a good sex life I just don’t know how to approach it. Sometime I want to go out and not tell the person, but I have cold feet because of the guilt I know I would feel if I infected someone. How you guys do it?

    #43631
    Cherise
    Participant

    Hello to all the women on this thread!
    As everyone says, you are not alone, we are all here for the same reason and trust me I have been through every emotion trying to come to terms with my diagnosis.
    I am 28 and I was diagnosed 6 years ago when I was 22, at the time, I had a long term partner and I became very very ill, felt like a flu and I also had severe pain going to the toilet. After doing lots and lots of research I knew it was Herpes, I went to my doctors and got the diagnosis. I told him what it was and after lots of back and forth he admitted that he knew about it! T
    I thought I had dealt with it until this year, I started dating a guy, we became intimate and I told him about my diagnosis about 2 weeks after we starting being intimate with each other (which in hindsight was wrong of me but we still used protection) when he found out, initially he was very supportive and he wanted to continue our relationship. But then he went away and done his own research and then decided that he did not want to be in a relationship with me and that I had ‘played God with his life’! He made me feel so worthless and all my past trauma has resurfaced and the last 4 weeks have been the worst time for me. I am only finally starting to feel like myself again but my self-confidence has gone!
    I just wanted to write a message to say that I completely understand your pain! I’m there and dealing with it myself. But you will be ok and you will learn to love yourself!
    If ever you need someone to talk to, get advice on how to tell a partner, or you just generally have no one else please reach out on my email! I am more than happy to listen because talking about my diagnosis is what really helped me through some dark times! (styleheightsldn@gmail.com)
    Love & light to you all.
    XX

    #43587
    Bre
    Participant

    Hi all I am new here and was recently diagnosed with genital HSV2 in October. I had a single sore break out that I believed was a knick from shaving. When I went to my University clinic the dr asked if she could test me for herpes just in case. To both of our surprise the test came back positive a week later. I believe my ex of 2 years may have given it to me. We broke up in July. I cannot reach out to him because the relationship was very toxic and I could put myself in a worse situation by reaching out to him. I had been really been struggling with my confidence after the breakup and right when I was beginning to heal I got my diagnosis. I feel incredibly lonely and alienated from my friends as I do not know anyone else struggling with Herpes. I also have found that the Acyclovir has been making me feel ill (nausea, headaches, diarrhea) and my mental health has been worsening as well. Has anyone else had these issues with the medicine? I feel grateful that my first outbreak was so minor and went away very quickly after beginning medicine but I have still been struggling with my confidence. I was very confident about dating before the diagnosis and now I feel extreme anxiety at the thought of dating again/having to disclose my diagnosis with a new partner. If anyone has advice or supportive words please share!(: I could really use friends who understand what I am feeling/going through.

    MJA
    Participant

    Hi, I’m 45 and was diagnosed 5 months ago. It was the worst timing as I was breaking up with someone and was like – this isn’t working and btw I just tested positive for hsv2 so you should get tested. I felt like a monster. He ended up testing negative. What a relief. I have no idea who I contracted it from and have done the mental gymnastics and list making to try and figure it out but i know it’s an exercise in futility. And at the end of the day – I have it.
    I have told two previous partners – one of whom is still a very good friend now. They both reacted with kindness and respect. One negative and one yet to be tested.

    While i have been keeping a very low profile on the dating scene since the diagnosis (and COVID) I have recently reconnected via email with a guy who I dated pre-diagnosis. We were intimate when we dated. We have only been communicating via email and I feel like it’s going in a great direction and I’m getting excited to see him when it is safe to do so. I’m struggling as to whether or not I should tell him before we see each other in person because who knows what that in-person vibe will be like – maybe none at all. I’m nervous that if I wait – he will react poorly and question why I waited so long. I just feel like I don’t want to tell him, if I don’t have to.

    What to do?

    • This topic was modified 4 months ago by MJA.
    • This topic was modified 4 months ago by MJA.
    #43426

    In reply to: Rejection

    jwoww.256
    Participant

    Your words really struck a note with me. I completely relate to you 100%. I understand that rejection is a part of life, but the fact that I may encounter a guy I like and who shows interest in me back just to reject me for having herpes? That blows. But I think that just goes to show how they aren’t the one. Because in reality, if a guy REALLY loves you and knows you, he won’t care. Especially if you educate him on the disease and use a condom, etc. I just recently had sex with a guy that I disclosed it to and it made the experience feel even more special. However, now he is really talking to me…. but that’s not the point! lol. And I do admit, this makes me sad but we remain good friends. Maybe we have to come up with some sort of dating scheme where we can really vet out the guys we’re talking to, you know? I myself am having a hard time navigating how to make sure I’m talking to the right guy that I can trust with this information about me. Maybe for now on, we should friendzone guys until they fall in love with us? LOL!

    Katie
    Participant

    I was diagnosed back in June and was completely shocked and extremely emotional initially. I chose not to tell any past partners and therefore not find out where I got it from. I haven’t had any new partners since, but have continued to have a normal sex life with guys I’ve already been with. Making sure to use condoms. I’m afraid in moving with forward from here and starting something deeper with someone because I’m not sure how to go about bringing this up. If and when I begin to date someone, do I refrain from sex with them until I tell them? Is it okay to use condoms with them and then if things progress and begin to get serious, tell them at an appropriate time? Will they be upset or angry that I had chosen to have sex with them knowing that I have herpes? What is the proper way to go about this? If I begin dating, should I just avoid sex altogether unless I actually see the relationship having potential? I’m not sure if this is wrong or not, but I don’t see a need to tell a bee partner unless I plan on the relationship actually progressing into something. I don’t want to scare anyone away initially, but also I don’t want to look morally wrong if I start something with a guy and have sex with them and then it turning into something and eventually having to tell them later on and then them leaving because I wasn’t honest from the start. I really don’t see anyone being accepting honestly, and I guess that why I have kept it to myself up until now.

    #43373
    kendra.nj1988
    Participant

    Hi everyone,
    I’ve been seeing someone for 4 months and about 3 months in, he broke down and told me he has had herpes for several years. He told me he hasn’t had a flare up in 2 years and is on antiviral meds every day. I was upset because we had had unprotected sex several times before then and he took that choice away from me. But I chose to be understanding as I already had strong feelings for him. We had tried to be careful afterwards, but somehow, I got it. I started to have symptoms this weekend (burning when peeing, swollen lymph nodes around my groin and small cluster of sores). I went to the doctor today and he could tell just by what I had told him and by looking at it. He gave me an accute prescription for the initial flare and said we would look into what else is needed when/if I have another one.
    I have two questions:
    1. Is it weird that he didn’t swab or test at all?
    2. What’s the best way to deal with dating new people? And how safe is it in between flares?

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