Search Results for 'dating and herpes'

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  • #42570
    VCRJ
    Participant

    Hi,
    I’d like to tell you my story. I am a man. I don’t know how I ended up in this forum. I was just trying to understand what happened a 14 months ago and I ended up here.
    I was dating this girl. She is beautiful, intelligent, smart, cute (I still think the same about her). After two months being together, being happy, and having sex, she disclosed to me that she has HSV-2. I didn’t know how to react. My instinct was to call my psychologist. I asked her to leave my apartment.
    I was in shock. I suffer depression with a GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). It really fucked me up. I felt so betrayed. It still hurts to remember when she said “even if you get a positive result, you can’t know if you got it from me”. The next days, I had panic attacks. I went to get tested (8 days after last exposure) and I got a negative test. However, I had to get tested again three months later. It was negative again. In 14 months, I have been tested four times, all negative. The four times I also got tested for HIV as well. In my mind, I was like “if she lied about it, she maybe has lied about other things”. I could not believe in doctors. I needed a lot of psychological therapy and several visits to the psychiatrist to be able to sleep and manage anxiety (which became OCD). It really affected me psychologically. Even though I got all the information about the low rate transmission from a woman to a man, that she already had it for several years and was really wise about her symptoms, I could not believe that I did not have the virus. A lot of people catch it in a hook-up, and we were having unprotected sex almost every day. Now I understand the days she avoided sex with me.
    All the time, I loved her. Before the disclosure, we were already talking about doing a trip during the summer and maybe living together after it if things went well. It was soul-destroying to end the relationship, to talk to her and understand that she has her own moral in relationships about when to disclose. Even though she said she liked me, loved me, and wanted to be together, I could not believe her. The trust was destroyed. I considered going back together for three-four months. In fact, I thought I could be able to overcome it and go back together, but I couldn’t. Even though I had therapy, I just realized I would not be able to trust her in simple things. In my mind, I just think any guy she disclosed it before having sex is better than me. I understand it’s hard to disclose and be exposed to rejection (I don’t think she was evil at all. She made a huge mistake), but I just feel I was not respected. I can just tell you that if she had told me before having sex, I would be with her, cause I really liked her since the beginning. I am okay with the decision. I miss her, but the trust is already damaged.
    I knew nothing about herpes before being with her. Just that is is an STD that requires treatment and causes breakouts. I am not American and we don’t even have the stigma you have in this culture. Having herpes is not a big deal, but not disclosing is a big deal. It is important to ask for consent.
    My only advice is to always disclose. I understand it is hard, but there is plenty of people that would accept you by the simple fact that “they really like you” and will take the risk.

    #42453
    Hailey
    Participant

    I’m really struggling to date with herpes. I found out I had herpes 3 years ago and was in a new relationship. I disclosed the news with my boyfriend at the time and we dealt with it. We had plans to spend the rest of our lives together so I never thought I would have to tell anyone I have it. Since we have broken up, over a year ago, I have been actively dating. I have gone about telling men I’m dating in different ways and I’ve found guys who aren’t okay with it and guys who are. But whenever I find a guy who isn’t okay with it it feels like a slap in the face. I understand why they look at it as a dealbreaker because of the negative stigma surrounding it, but it still hurts. I’m feeling very defeated and that I’ll never be in a relationship because no guy will ever accept me for me because I have herpes. When do you think is an appropriate time to tell a guy you are seeing about it? Or what has been helpful when disclosing having herpes to a partner?

    NyGirl03
    Participant

    So recently I posted on here but being diagnosed with HSV-2 . I just have a question soo when I went to get checked I asked to get checked bc I recently started dating and had a new partner also I’m Always getting BV all the time especially after my period and a surgery I had I’m January . Anyways I asked to get tested for HIV as well and I guess they did herpes (even though I didn’t ask bc I’m experiencing no symptoms ) they called me yesterday and said I had HSV-1 and I have no symptoms at all . A little itching and maybe some Odor but I thought that was from the BV and it is now gone after taking the medicine . I asked the doctor what do I do now and she told me nothing . They can’t give me medicine I might be a symptomatic etc . My question is could it have been a false positive especially due to the fact I didn’t ask for one and I have no symptoms what so ever . And when should I expect symptoms bc every little or tingle has me thinking I’m breaking out . I also got a vaginal exam and my gyno said she seen nothing and when checking for bacteria she just seen the BV and that I should be fine .

    #42184
    Maria89
    Participant
    This reply has been marked as private.
    #42035
    Lauren631
    Participant

    So it’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve been diagnosed, and I’m still trying to find ways to heal myself emotionally. For one I know I need to work on not letting my sadness overcome me. Right now I feel like not that many people can relate to how I feel except for the people who have reached out to me on this website. Another thing is my dating life. I feel like it’s over!! I’ve had guys cut me off and I’ve been friend zoned very quickly. It’s making me start to lose hope in everything. I know I need to focus on myself right now and find ways to make myself feel powerful despite my hsv 2. It’s just so hard, I feel like I’m running out of options. Not to mention the dating websites aren’t the best for people who have herpes too. That has made me lose hope too. I am terrified for when the next time a guy takes interest in me and wants to get to know me. I’m scared of the rejection that I have already experienced. I’m scared of never finding a partner and not being able to have kids when I’m older because of the fact that I have hsv 2. I’m just terrified.

    ashley40404
    Participant

    So I just went to the doctor a few days about and she confirmed I do have genital herpes. I recently meet a new guy and we’ve been in a relationship for a couple months now. I don’t know, and apparently there’s no way to know whether or not he gave me herpes or if I’ve spread it to him since we first started dating. Can anyone share stories or tips on how to tell someone youre in a new relationship with, you just now recently learned youre infected? I really like him and I’m scared I am going to lose him already.

    #41970

    In reply to: Recent HSV 2 Diagnosis

    Bailey
    Participant

    Hi Britt!

    I am 26 and was diagnosed this past October. I know how scary it is to first find out and the fear of the unknown is probably the worst part. (Not knowing how often you will have a reoccurrence, not knowing how people will react when you tell them) But I promise it gets better. I have had 4 reoccurrences since being diagnosed and they have all been a little different, in reference to pain. My first outbreak and the one I am currently having hurt the worst, not sure there is a real reason as to why. But besides the pain it gets easier. I still get emotional at times, but the random herpes jokes on movies don’t offend me nearly as much anymore. When I was diagnosed I had only been dating my current boyfriend for a few months and I was terrified as to how he would react. Luckily he has been very understanding and sympathetic. I say this to tell you that if someone cares about you, they won’t be scared away by this diagnosis. As you navigate through this please remember that your diagnosis doesn’t say anything about you as a person, so don’t let anyone make you feel differently!

    If you need someone to talk to please reach out!

    #41933
    bebravemeeko
    Participant

    Hello All,

    I have been trying to figure out what is going on with me since last Dec. I have been diagnosed with a Kidney infection, bacterial vaginosis, syphilis, and been told several times that I am a puzzle. I was treated with antibiotics two different times. It’s been frustrating and very expensive, overall the tests were a few thousand of dollars. I was finally referred to an infectious disease doctor because a lot of the test were contradicting eachother-like this is a false positive, this means you 100% did not have syphilis, and so on. Back in December I was the sickest I’ve ever been, I had a fever up to 104 F, body aches, chills, confusion, and all of a sudden a rash on my upper thigh. My Primary doctor said that it is very rare to get herpes there and she swabbed it and the PCR for herpes was negative. I also had a chancre that is a sign of syphilis-but that antibody also came back negative. So needless to say I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions, and feeling like I am a walking disease-which no one knows how to diagnose. The infectious disease doc did some blood work and my blood was positive for HSV-2 which I found out by a generic message that populates from their system. It was a rough way to find out. I found out two days ago and won’t be able to have an actual conversation with the doctor until monday. I am currently dating someone that I have been with through all of this. He was very supportive at the beginning when all of this was happening but we both had thought herpes was off the table as a possibility. So here I am again, having to tell someone I care about that he should probably get tested. I am so ashamed and constantly want to cry. It’s also hard because my support system around me are all so overwhelmed with their own things that I really don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to. Thanks for listening everyone, if you want to talk more by email is bebravemeeko@gmail.com.
    Stay strong!

    #41905
    santd
    Participant

    I was diagnosed at 21. I’m 29 now. You will get past this! Honestly my love life has been horrible because of everything BESIDES herpes lol. Read up on the science of it, like ACTUAL facts. It’s harder for you to pass on to a guy because you’re a girl. As long as you don’t have terrible symptoms, valtrex or acyclovir will control your outbreaks and reduce viral shedding. You can have oral sex normally (unless you’re having an outbreak). People are super understanding about this. Whether you’re upfront about it before casual sex or whether you’re upfront about it some dates/weeks into dating someone before Intercourse. This is extremely manageable. Remember that 1/4 sexually active woman have this, it’s just that 90% don’t know it. You do, do you have the power to better protect your partner. Wear a condom, take your meds, and be informed.

    The BEST resource I found when I was first diagnosed was this site: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/

    The founder is a godsent, has so many videos up about self esteem, disclosing, and life after your diagnosis. I also recommend The Earth Wind and Herpes blog. She was also diagnosed at 21 and though she no longer updates the blog alllll the information there is amazing. She’s a very informed and kind hearted woman. Here if you need to talk!

    Chin up buttercup.

    As far as telling others, which seems your concern. the best angle I use when I disclose to romantic partners, not hook ups, is “the person that gave this to me didn’t give me the respect to let me know ahead of time. He wasn’t trying to protect me and took no precautions, I would never wanna do the same to you. I want us to have an honest, open relationship, including an honest sexual relationship. I obviously can’t make this go away, but I can tell you it’s not uncommon but it is uncommon to be informed and know how to protect your partner. I promise you I will do that to the best of my ability.

    #41837
    Olivia
    Participant

    Hey guys, my diagnosis story is kind of abnormal. For some back story, I am 19, I have never been one for super exclusive relationships as I love my freedom and independence, and I am a fresh, new college student who wasn’t ready for this diagnosis at all. Back in January of this year I had my first symptoms of herpes and went to the ER. They did a qualitative diagnosis and told me I had herpes. I felt very similar to how you did. I thought my life was over and that no one would ever want to date me and take that risk. I remember feeling so depressed about it that I truly did get to a point where I thought life wasn’t even worth living anymore. It scared me because despite having gone through some shit in life, I would always describe myself as a happy, content person. A few days later, I went to a different doctor for a second opinion, and she gave me a blood test. The results were ready a week later but it took me about a month to actually look at them because I was so scared they would confirm what I already knew. The shadow of doubt was the only thing I was clinging onto. They did a blood test and it showed I had never been exposed to HSV. I was SO HAPPY. But, here I am, about 5 months later, and my symptoms are back. I did some research and learned how faulty blood antibody tests can be, as it takes time for your system to develop detectable antibodies. I found myself back in a walk-in clinic, got examined, and am currently waiting for confirmation. However, I almost don’t need the confirmation as I am almost 99% sure I have HSV-2. It’s been a wild roller coaster of emotions from getting diagnosed, to undiagnosed, and now rediagnosed. However, like you guys, I am young and I had a really hard time processing all of this. But, I already went through the depressive, shame stage back in January, and I have done a lot of research since. If you guys educate yourself on how common herpes really is, trust me it’s not that daunting. In fact, I have been seeing someone since February in a non-exclusive way. He didn’t know I was HSV+ and I obviously didn’t allow sex or Oral Sex on myself until I saw my blood test results that were negative. After that, we did have sex multiple times, even unprotected, so coming to him with this new information (esp. when he didn’t know about my diagnosis history) was so scary. Keep in mind this is a college frat boy who is 3 years older than me and would always joke about being “clean” and not wanting STDS. But, I called him up the other day and told him what was going on. He was so caring and understanding and told me that he still wanted to see me regardless, as long as we both took proper precautions in the future. He wasn’t angry, disgusted, or repulsed. Yesterday, he even asked me when I was planning on visiting him (bc he lives back at school and I am home for summer break) because he can’t wait to see me, even knowing I am very likely to be HSV+. LET ME TELL YOU GIRLYS, HSV IS NOT A DATING DEATH SENTENCE. It doesn’t mean people won’t ever want to hook up with you again, be in a relationship with you, or anything else of the sort. Most of the times, people with HSV are asymptotic, and that’s why it spreads so easily. Take some peace in knowing about your sexual health status and the fact that you can do things to GREATLY prevent spreading it. Doing suppressive therapy literally makes woman to man transmission go from 3.6% to 1.9% likely, and that’s without the use of a condom. If the people you are with don’t want to take the risk, that’s fine, it’s their choice. However, most rational people will be willing to take precautions with you and realize that herpes is a totally manageable thing. You will come to realize that herpes is NO BIG DEAL. So many people have it, most guys don’t even care as long as you got your shit under control, and it doesn’t make you any less of a person. If anyone wants to email me for some great links to articles and videos that really helped me out, please feel free! Just please know this isn’t costing you your whole life, in fact its more of a slight inconvenience than anything else. 🙂

    #41759
    sarah123
    Participant

    Hi there. I went to the urgent care today because I had pain while urinating, and assuming it was just a yeast infection, was shocked when the doctor suggested genital herpes. I have gone through every emotion that I’m sure most people on this forum have gone through. I am a “serial monogamist” and thought in doing so I was protecting myself from any sort of sexually transmitted infections. In the past twelve hours, I’ve learned that that’s not the case & am so grateful for the education I’ve received, and am ready to learn more.
    Right now my boyfriend is coping differently than I am, and he has a lot of guilt for potentially being who transmitted the virus to me. He’s awaiting his test results as well. I was wondering – who in this forum is still dating/married to the individual they contracted genital herpes from, and what did that process look like? I don’t want to point fingers and I’m reassuring him that this doesn’t change my feelings towards him. Have any of you had feelings of resentment later on?
    I haven’t officially received the test results back, but I want to be prepared and ready to have these conversations should it be genital herpes. I appreciate having this forum and already feel a load off my chest – so thank you for listening.

    #41720
    Sidney
    Participant

    Hello ladies!!

    I am new to the forum. I am engaged now and when my fiancé and I were in the early stages of dating, he did inform me that he had herpes. He actually got his first outbreak while we were dating. Ever since, he has frequent outbreaks andthey are in different spots of his genital region (sometimes on the shaft or on flat area near groin). I have so far not had any breakouts but I do take Lysine prophylactically! Share your experiences and if any of you happen to get outbreaks in different genital areas each time!

    #41719
    Abbey
    Participant

    Hi ladies! I never in a million years thought I would be writing this, but here we are. I wanted to share my story and hopefully find some encouragement. I am 21 years old. I have only had 2 sexual partners in my life thus far, one being a six year relationship from middle school-sophomore in college, and the other my most recent 1 year long boyfriend. He has had more sexual partners than me, so if this comes back positive, I assume it’s likely from him and his past partners. However, he has shown 0 symptoms in our one year of dating. We have both come to find Christ since meeting each other, and the stigma around being a Christian with an STI is just too much for me to handle. I developed what I thought was an infected ingrown hair a week ago, and it has progressively gotten worse. The physician I spoke to yesterday suspected herpes. As soon as I heard, the tears started flowing! I am waiting on my swab results to come back in the next few days, but am feeling so exhausted from worry and stress. Thankfully, my boyfriend loves me regardless and this is just a bump in the road of our relationship. But, I can’t help but feel like our sex life in the future (marriage) will never be the same. Help!

    #41712
    missbethg
    Participant

    I am sorry for what both of you have gone through. I am a gay woman have had genital herpes and Hpv for about 7 years. My ex was ok with it. I am online dating and recently I was starting to get to know someone and started to really like her. When I told her my diagnosis she said she wasnt interested any more. I felt really bad about myself and am really concerned about finding the right person who can accept and love me with my diagnosis.

    #41637
    alwayshopeful
    Participant

    It’s hard to tell a partner it gets a lot easier after doing it a couple times but rejection is always a possibility. I waited maybe a month of dating and when we dated we dated hard like every moment we could be together we were. I didn’t do it how I wanted to which was have a nice mature conversation. I was just stressed about it and broke down crying and told him. He was very kind about it. The first step in all this I feel is getting to know the person. I have never had someone react badly except the person who gave it to me. Otherwise I always spent time till I trusted them with that fact. When I have shared I have learned that every person has something they are embarrassed of or ashamed of. After I share I have heard about people’s problem with drugs in the past, their DUIs, a secret child, and even once herpes too. In my scenarios everyone has something they are ashamed of or worried to be judged on and it really opens up a relationship to be healthy and Honest. Also having the conversation freed me up to be more open and fun rather worrying about it all the time. The last thing is if I wouldn’t have done it I wouldn’t be so happy right now so in the end it was worth it. It took me a long time and a lot of heartache but it was all worth it!

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