Topic: New diagnosis and rejection
I have been dating someone for a little over two months. I have always been super careful about my sexual health, and have always been up front in asking about others’ status. I have been having recurrent infections (yeast, BV) with intercourse and I kept going to the GYN for meds. This time, though, I went because my entire nether regions were on FIRE. My GYN asked if I’d ever been tested for herpes, and that I should be. Unfortunately the test came back for genital HSV1. I felt the full range of emotions. Panic. Anger. Fear. Disgust. But I wanted to know. I immediately called the person I was dating and informed him. He was understandably angry and upset, but the problem is I DON’T KNOW WHERE I GOT IT. He says he was tested 3 months ago and was negative. Now he’s getting tested again, but I fear he will leave me because he doesn’t want this. How do you deal with the rejection and disgust from a partner who once viewed you as beautiful and sexy and who made you feel wanted? I’m devastated. I really liked this guy and now I feel like a leper. What do I do?!
Hello Team Herpes! I’m 27 and I got diagnosed 8 months ago and have experienced one mini outbreak since then. I haven’t had intercourse since my initial outbreak but I’ve recently started dating again! And I obviously would love to have some sex at some point. I’m into a guy…. So how do I bring this up? Does anyone have any go-to “I have herpes” openers? What are the essential points to hit? I want to be completely honest and open with this guy but I don’t want to sit him down to a powerpoint presentation. Also please send any tips on safe sex! (other than use a condom, learned my lesson there!). Aaaand, fun twist, he’s in a committed polyamorous relationship (gotta love us millennials). Is it even possible enter into something like this ethically?
Thanks in advance 🙂
Topic: a long overdue vent
I got diagnosed with genital HSV1 in January of 2017….it’s been almost 3 and a half years. Originally I suffered from a lot of confusion and understandable depression because I got the diagnosis when I was in an exclusive relationship and when I told my partner, they disappeared for months instead of confronting the situation with me. Through therapy, antidepressants, psychedelics, and honestly just crying it out, I came to a sense of peace and happiness again. I knew having herpes wasn’t my identity and that as an 18 year old (at the time), I had so much potential left to fill out.
But, I got back with the same partner and we never had a face to face transparent conversation about the origin of me getting herpes and he never got officially tested himself. This cycle lasted for a couple years and it always ends with him randomly disappearing and me wondering and waiting for his return.
I always saw this as love. He knows me right? He has seen, witnessed, and been apart of all the darkness that I hide from everyone else. No. Now I see this was the epitome of a trauma bond and that even though I thought I had removed the stigma of having a STI from my mind, I was still acting as though I had something to be ashamed of. I know now that I was returning to him because I felt comfortable. I feel scared to experiment and open myself to other people because I feel like I have this baggage that I have to carry around. I have disconnected myself from this person and have begun dating other people. I have had relations where I havent told my diagnosis and kept myself distanced and I’ve had relations where I have been completely transparent about everything I’ve gone through. None of these situations have worked and I can’t help but wonder if herpes isn’t just impacting my love life directly but also subconsciously.
For the situations where the person doesn’t know yet, am I self sabotaging because I’m afraid of what will happen once they know?
For the situations where the person does know, are they leaving me/did it not work because I do have herpes?
Alot to think about. Alot to heal.
Thank you for this space to vent, I could really use an ear.
About a year ago I got into a relationship with my boyfriend. I had been in an almost 8 year relationship and got tested after that was over and after I had sexual contact with anyone else, my last time being March of last year. When I got with my boyfriend last year we discussed our sexual pasts and he told me the last time he was tested he was all good. I trusted him and had no reason not to because I knew exactly when he had been at the Drs because although we weren’t together at that point yet, we were dating and it came up in conversation. About a month after we had sex he text me saying “I have to tell you something, please don’t hate me” and told me he had herpes and that it must’ve happened between the time he had been to the doctor and his last sexual encounter with someone else. I was a bit disappointed because I knew better but still let him talk me out of wearing a condom. But knowing that herpes isn’t a death sentence I just kinda let it go and forgave and we went about our lives. We knew we wanted to be together and it honestly wasn’t a huge deal. I had my first outbreak in January accompanied with a uti and it was beyond painful. He kept telling me how he felt so guilty and I would reassure him that it wasn’t his fault and it just happened. Fast forward to this summer. He has a son from a previous relationship that lives out of state and came to visit for a few months. I made it clear to him that I would like to meet and be friendly with his sons mom because we were talking about marriage. I suffered a miscarriage in May and we wanted to try again so I think of his son and his mom to be family. Anyway he would always give me excuses as to why she didn’t want to talk to me which I thought was weird because I was watching her child. I let it go though. Fast forward to last week. I questioned him about something that just didn’t add up to me and he decided to just come clean about the fact that HE’S KNOWN HE’S HAD HERPES FOR ALMOST 3 YEARS. He got it from his sons mom. He told me that HE WANTED ME TO HAVE IT TO SO I WOULDN’T LEAVE HIM. WHICH IS WHY HE PRESSURED ME TO LET HIM TAKE THE CONDOM OFF. He didn’t want me and her to have a face to face conversation because he was afraid that the topic would come up.
For me it isn’t even about the stigma. I’m a pretty progressive person, I’m in the medical field. I know there’s options for me. I know there are ppl who would still date me. I know herpes is not going to define my life. It hasn’t for the 10 months I’ve known about having it. For me it’s about the betrayal. It’s about being lied to for A YEAR from someone I love so deeply. I feel so crushed. My heart is so broken. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Does anyone have any advice? I don’t want to sound stupid but I still love this person but I don’t know how to move forward. He hid this and lied about it for a year long with no regard to my health. For the most selfish reason, because he thought if I had it I would be “stuck” with him. It’s actually horrifying to think about being in love with someone I don’t even know. And I lost my child. I’m afraid. I’ve been crying for a week straight. I feel so alone and depressed and betrayed. And empty. And stupid for trusting someone. Please help.
Topic: Dating after herpes
So it’s been almost 2 years that I’ve had herpes and I have finally come to terms with it. I don’t accept having it because then I would be declaring that herpes has power over me but I have come to terms with it. I can deal with having it as it’s not that big of a deal. What hurts me the most is possibly giving it to my partner. I’ve been dating someone for the past couple months. We use condoms and I’m on daily valtrex. Sometimes the condom breaks and I feel so guilty and scared that I’m going to give it to him. This would completely break me. I don’t want to be responsible for giving it to someone else. I can deal with having it I just can’t deal with giving it to someone I love and care about.
Hello ladies, I was diagnosed with HSV-2 14 days ago. I believe I’ve had it for years (I know at least 2) This is my first outbreak that I’ve had and it was not as bad as what I’ve read on here.
I feel almost guilty posting here because it seems as though I’ve been lucky with symptoms. I must have gotten it from my ex that I was with for 5 years so how long exactly ive had it is hard to say
I may have been the person to never know or have an outbreak but had the perfect storm. (Covid, moving, injury at work and workers comp, best friends wedding, tanning for wedding) all these things happening at once is why I think I had an outbreak.
I’m having a hard time excepting what this means for me, for my relationship. I have been dating my now boyfriend for a little over a year and a half. He was tested and came back negative. I expected him to run for the hills instead hes been incredibly supportive and keeps saying we will figure it out.
He has been wonderful and I feel as though I’m the one with the issues… I cant get past it. I’m the one with the hangups. I’m the one upset and thinking it is going to ruin us. I don’t know how to get out of my head. I dont know how to move past the feeling or being grose and dirty. I dont know how our relationship survives this.
I’m hoping I can talk to some of you ladies and can figure this out together and hopefully stop learning on my poor bf so much.
Have any of you ladies gotten past this feeling? How did you do it? Have you had success dating someone without herpes?
Thank you for your time in my rambling post
Hi there. I was diagnosed last year,2019 with herpes.
It was one of the worst times in my life, and I haven’t been the same since
I have always suffered from low-esteem and that didn’t help.
I’ve tried dating but can’t let my guard down enough.
Hopefully this community can give me some peace so that I can learn to live without the shame
Peace to all
I found out yesterday I have HSC 2 genetial herpes. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 months when a week ago I started experiencing all herpes symptoms. My partner acted like it could be thrush or other things. We both went to the doctor and I had some tests done all while my partner acted shocked. My doctor called 3 days ago and said it came back negative and I did only have thrush. I was so happy and so was my partner. Then yesterday I had another call where my doctor said the test was wrong and that I do actually have herpes. I cried and cried and I am absolutely devastated. I don’t really know what it is but have done a lot of research and I know now it isn’t as bad as I grew up thinking. The worse thing I am experiencing right now is when I told my partner the news I kept asking him if he knew about this and he finally came clean and said he found out he had it a year ago and was too scared to tell me because he didn’t want to loose me. I feel betrayed and lied to and I don’t trust him now. I do love him and he cried and said he was a coward and doesn’t want us to break up but I am struggling to move past this. He took away my choice to decide if I wanted to live with this the rest of my life. The bad part was I asked him to wear a condom everytime at the start but he didn’t want to as he said it didn’t feel as good. He risked my health!
Please someone help me know if he was acting in fear and isn’t a liar or he is a coward and I should move on
I’ve been dating this guy for 7 months and I just realized yesterday he gave me herpes in which I will deal with for the rest of my life. I am only 22 years old. 3 months ago we engaged in intercourse, in the midst we realized he had cold sore and that he had touched me with his saliva. We stopped and agreed not to engage while those symptoms were occurring. I didn’t think I would be infected just from those few short seconds. The last three months I’ve been having non-stop headaches which I thought were just my normal migraines and issue with urinating which I also just thought was an UTI. Up until yesterday when I discovered the bumps and rashes, I never even once thought that I had herpes. To make matters worse, I engaged in sexual activity with our friend a week ago. This morning my boyfriend told me she also now has symptoms. How am I supposed to handle this? I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I am so disgusted and embarrassed with myself. And now another person is involved! My boyfriend is staying positive for me but I too can’t look at him or our relationship the same. I think I even angry at him for doing this to me. I have done nothing but repeat that exact moment when we realized the cold sore over and over in my head. There’s nothing else I am able to think about besides the fact I feel like my life is over. Like I cannot do anything I wanted to do with my life. Like I am just damaged goods.
Topic: Dating with a diagnosis
I’m really struggling to date with herpes. I found out I had herpes 3 years ago and was in a new relationship. I disclosed the news with my boyfriend at the time and we dealt with it. We had plans to spend the rest of our lives together so I never thought I would have to tell anyone I have it. Since we have broken up, over a year ago, I have been actively dating. I have gone about telling men I’m dating in different ways and I’ve found guys who aren’t okay with it and guys who are. But whenever I find a guy who isn’t okay with it it feels like a slap in the face. I understand why they look at it as a dealbreaker because of the negative stigma surrounding it, but it still hurts. I’m feeling very defeated and that I’ll never be in a relationship because no guy will ever accept me for me because I have herpes. When do you think is an appropriate time to tell a guy you are seeing about it? Or what has been helpful when disclosing having herpes to a partner?
So recently I posted on here but being diagnosed with HSV-2 . I just have a question soo when I went to get checked I asked to get checked bc I recently started dating and had a new partner also I’m Always getting BV all the time especially after my period and a surgery I had I’m January . Anyways I asked to get tested for HIV as well and I guess they did herpes (even though I didn’t ask bc I’m experiencing no symptoms ) they called me yesterday and said I had HSV-1 and I have no symptoms at all . A little itching and maybe some Odor but I thought that was from the BV and it is now gone after taking the medicine . I asked the doctor what do I do now and she told me nothing . They can’t give me medicine I might be a symptomatic etc . My question is could it have been a false positive especially due to the fact I didn’t ask for one and I have no symptoms what so ever . And when should I expect symptoms bc every little or tingle has me thinking I’m breaking out . I also got a vaginal exam and my gyno said she seen nothing and when checking for bacteria she just seen the BV and that I should be fine .
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