Search Results for 'dating and herpes'

[sadkitty18]

Just joined today, I’d been seeing this guy for going on 10 months he seemed so open and honest we were making plans for future, moving in, kids etc then I find out he has a girlfriend and I was technically his other woman, stopped seeing him got tested right away all negative no symptoms, started seeing someone else few months later and one night after 1 to many drinks we slept together and he said the condom slipped off because it was too big? Then ghosted me. Went back got tested again all negative by this time I stupidly got back with my ex who had cheated on me, had my first outbreak about 6wks later he denied having anything but wouldn’t get tested, I got tested and told everything was clear but I had thrush which they gave me a pessary for. Fast forward to January 2020 I’m diagnosed with HPV and pre cancerous cells are removed, got the all clear 6 months later and haven’t been sexualy active since. Mid June had pain and stinging but no sign of blisters, Dr diagnosed me with genital herpes few weeks ago and said it’s in my fingers as well. I’ve no idea which 1 of them gave it to me, why it’s taken so long to have an outbreak or why I’ve had 3 negative tests but I feel disgusting really struggling mentally and feel like my dating life is over. I’ve finally met the most lovely guy and he’s asked me out and I’ve totally pushed him away I’m so ashamed to tell him but I don’t want to start anything with him and risk inflecting him too

[Ann]

Hello. (I realize after writing this all out how long it was but please bare with me) As my title states, it will be 14 years I’ve lived with herpes this coming year. It has been a very hard 14 yrs. I am finally reaching out after all this time because I have never come across a person in my situation that can relate and understand. I never talk about it or very very rarely talk about it with anyone. If I do mention something, its very broad and the conversation is over after a minute. A few people in my life know but they will never understand my feelings. This is my first ever attempt at a support group. I hope to find women who share my experiences and feelings and to be able to actually talk about it.

I guess I should start from the beginning? I started dating a guy I had no business dating. I was 18 about to graduate high school and he was nearly 10 years older than me. It was a rebound from my first ever boyfriend who broke my heart. I lost my virginity to him just shy of my 17th birthday. Any way, I only dated the rebound guy for 3 months. I wanted to call it off after 6 weeks. He was emotionally abusive and would throw things at me but made sure they never hit me.I never broke up with someone before. It took me another 6 weeks to distance myself and finally call it off just after graduation.

I had my annual OB appt a month or two later and we randomly checked for STDs. I was heart broken when she called me to tell me I had genital herpes. I reached out to my first boyfriend to let him know and he tested negative. There was only 1 other person I called and freaked out on him, crying and yelling. He had an indication that something could be up but never told me. My first boyfriend and I rarely used condoms. Bad habit learned and carried on on to the rebound. I was 18, right out of high school and thought my life was over at that point. I have always been self conscious, shy and had body image issues. I was also an undiagnosed depressed person. Well after finding out my new diagnosis, the depression got worse. For years up until recently, I was told its just anxiety, your not depressed.

So I’m 18, starting college and finding out I have genital herpes. I focused on my school work and regular work. It helped by keeping me distracted. I did not have sex again until after I turned 21 nor attempted dating anyone. I was ashamed. At this point, a lot of things changed in my life. Right after my birthday in January, I found out I had thyroid cancer. Benign thankfully but still cancer nonetheless. Had my surgery in June and went back to work after 6 weeks even though the doctor highly recommended I was out for 3 months. I worked at a pizza place prior to surgery, living on my own and had a car payment. I was barely making it by as it was. I immediately started working 2 jobs. I barely slept or ate. If I did, it either pizza or food from the gas station I also worked at. By the time my meds were adjusted correctly from the surgery, months later, I had gained 80lbs in that time frame. Maybe 6 months? While all this was going on, I started sleeping around. A friend I had shared my secret with said I need to live my life and I did not have to tell ppl I had it as long as I was safe about it. So I did just that. I started drinking heavily as well that year. Going to the bar any chance I got and going home with whoever bought me drinks. I refer to it as my slut year. We all have them I suppose.

Well the year ended, my roommate and best friend was going to move in with her boyfriend. So here I am at the end of my 21st year, past broke, slight alcoholic, slutting around, and 80lbs heavier. I ended up moving back home with the parents before Christmas in 2012. Here begins the severe depression. I also stopped having sex again at this point. I slept any time I could, ate my feelings and hid myself away from the world. I had lots of friends. I stopped talking to all of them except my 1 best friend who has always been there for me. Fast forward to 2015, I started school again. Still havent dated or had sex with anyone. I graduated in 2017 and started a job right away at a medical office. At thia time I started to feel a bit better so I tried dating again. My first date was late spring in 2018. I was so nervous. I had a panic attack on my way to meet him. I couldn’t breath, I was shaking, sweating and crying uncontrollably. My bff calmed me down but was still shaking when I meet my date. It went ok and I ended up telling him on the second date. I didn’t want to waste his time with me and liking me if he wasn’t ok with the one part of me. He was the first guy I had shared it with. He took it ok and we talked for awhile but never went anywhere. Still haven’t had sex at thia point.

I have talked to a lot of men. I never knew when the correct time was to tell someone. I was online dating and my thought, again, was to not waste their time. So I would share with some of them after we talked for awhile. Some very terrible things were said to me over and over again. Depression spike again. I stopped dating. I tried on and off over the years since then.

Jump again to Oct 2019. I had bariatric surgery. My weight was out of control and tried many things over the years and could never lose weight. I was nearly 280lbs. I started losing weight and felt a bit better. Another jump to March 2020 and covid. I worked in a specialist medical office. We could not close. My coworker left for another office in may and I ended up being the only receptionist until october. I was alone for 6 months in a busy office. A lot of things fell to me. Correction, everything fell on me. The doctors would come up to me asking how to order something. I was having problems with how I spoke to some patients but I was so stressed, started gaining weight again and my boss was horrible. One example, doc wants a CT on a patient who just found out they had cancer at 4pm on a friday. These require authorization from insurance. I had a part time girl who came in on Wednesday and was told by my manager that it can wait until so and so came in on Wednesday. Said patient then calls Monday afternoon or Tuesday asking for an update on CT scan. I would be the one to say it wasn’t even started yet and this obviously upset the patient. I started an HR case against her. She wrote me up 2 times after that within 6 weeks. It put me on probation which I got through just fine. 1 month after it endes, 6 months after the HR case, I was fired for basically asking a patient a question to determine the urgency of it. I was devestated. This was the beginning of 2021. Begin another spike of depression.

2 weeks before I was fired, I went on a date for the first time since 2018. It seemed to go ok and he was ok with my secret. We had sex. This was the first time I had sex since the end of 2012. Its the end of 2020. I called it off after 3 months. He wasn’t for me At this point, I was unemployed, super depressed and had no idea what to do with life. Thankfully I had a part time job already but it was only 8 hrs a week. I knew I needed to speak help for my depression. So after years and years I started seeing a counselor and doctor. Finally diagnosed as depressed. At one point my mommy mentioned phlebotomy as a possible career. There was a huge shortage do to covid. Its been 1 year at this point. I looked into and met with an instructor about taking a course. I signed up to begin in October 2021. I took the entire year off to focus on myself. I still worked part time and was able to pick up some hours but no more than 20. I tried a few different meds throughtout the year. I started taking one around the time I started school in October. I have been on it since then.

Begin year 2022. I get hired on the spot as a phlebotomist in January. I’ve been excelling. I finally found the right path. My depression medication has been a god send. I have never felt this good in my life. I am happy, most days. I dont get easily angry or upset. I really have never felt so good. Its amazing to realize that I’ve been undiagnosed for so long. Things may have been different. I started dating again, talking to more men than I ever have. I did go on a date recently but still havent had sex since beginning of 2021. Its been almost 2 years.

Overall, thats my story up to now. For the most part. I am still struggling mentally with the genital herpes. For as much time that has passed, I still feel ashamed and disgusted with myself. I still get told or called terrible things by people and I cant help but agree with them because I already feel that way. Im nearly 32. My last boyfriend was when I was 18 and ive had sex with 1 person in the last 10yrs. I am scared of relationships. I dont know how to be. I accepted so long ago that I will just be alone and no one will ever love me. I still feel like that still sometimes. I try not to be in that mind set but its hard to break something you truely believed for so long. I am trying to get out of my comfort zone since I’ve started feeling better about myself. But now I feel extremely lonely and almost desperate feeling. I still feel disgusted with myself most of the time. I just want someone to talk to when I start having doubts and bad feelings regarding my herpes.

I know this was super long and if you read all of it, thank you for listening. I just want support from someone who truely understands how I feel about this part of myself. Thank you again for listening.

[Ann]

Hello. (I realize after writing this all out how long it was but please bare with me) As my title states, it will be 14 years I’ve lived with herpes this coming year. It has been a very hard 14 yrs. I am finally reaching out after all this time because I have never come across a person in my situation that can relate and understand. I never talk about it or very very rarely talk about it with anyone. If I do mention something, its very broad and the conversation is over after a minute. A few people in my life know but they will never understand my feelings. This is my first ever attempt at a support group. I hope to find women who share my experiences and feelings and to be able to actually talk about it.

I guess I should start from the beginning? I started dating a guy I had no business dating. I was 18 about to graduate high school and he was nearly 10 years older than me. It was a rebound from my first ever boyfriend who broke my heart. I lost my virginity to him just shy of my 17th birthday. Any way, I only dated the rebound guy for 3 months. I wanted to call it off after 6 weeks. He was emotionally abusive and would throw things at me but made sure they never hit me.I never broke up with aomeone before. It took me another 6 weeks to distance myself and finally call it off just after graduation.

I had my annual OB appt a month or two later and we randomly checked for STDs. I was heart broken when she called me to tell me I had genital herpes. I reached out to my first boyfriend to let him know and he tested negative. There was only 1 other pwraon. I called and freaked out on him, crying and yelling. He uad an indication that something could be up but never told me. My first boyfriend and I rarely used condoms. Bad habit learned and carried on on to the rebound. I was 18, right out of high school and thought my life was over at that point. I have always been self conscious, shy and had body image issues. I was also an undiagnosed depressed person. Well after finding out my new diagnosis, the depression got worse. For years up until recently, I was told its just anxiety, your not depressed.

So I’m 18, starting college and finding out I have genital herpes. I focused on my school work and regular work. It helped by keeping me distracted. I did not have sex again until after I turned 21 nor attempted dating anyone. I was ashamed. At this point, a lot of things changed in my life. Right after my birthday in January, I found out I had thyroid cancer. Benign thankfully but still cancer nonetheless. Had my surgery in June and went back to work after 6 weeks even though the doctor highly recommended I was out for 3 months. I worked at a pizza place prior to surgery, living on my own and had a car payment. I was barely making it by as it was. I immediately started working 2 jobs. I barely slept or ate. If I did, it either pizza or food from the gas station I also worked at. By the time my meds were adjusted correctly from the surgery, months later, I had gained 80lbs in that time frame. Maybe 6 months? While all this was going on, I started sleeping around. A friend I had shared my secret with said I need to live my life and I did not have to tell ppl I had it as long as I was safe about it. So I did just that. I started drinking heavily as well that year. Going to the bar any chance I got and going home with whoever bought me drinks. I refer to it as my slut year. We all have them I suppose.

Well the year ended, my roommate and best friend was going to move in with her boyfriend. So here I am at the end of my 21st year, past broke, slight alcoholic, slutting around, and 80lbs heavier. I ended up moving back home with the parents before Christmas in 2012. Here begins the severe depression. I also stopped having sex again at this point. I slept any time I could, ate my feelings and hid myself away from the world. I had lots of friends. I stopped talking to all of them except my 1 best friend who has always been there for me. Fast forward to 2015, I started school again. Still havent dated or had sex with anyone. I graduated in 2017 and started a job right away at a medical office. At thia time I started to feel a bit better so I tried dating again. My first date was late spring in 2018. I was so nervous. I uad a panic attack on my way to meet him. I couldn’t breath, I was shaking, sweating and crying uncontrollably. My bff calmed me down but was still shaking when I meet my date. It went ok and I ended up telling him on the second date. I didn’t want to waste his time with me and liking me if he wasn’t ok with the one part of me. He was the first guy I had shared it with. He took it ok and we talked for awhile but never went anywhere. Still haven’t had sex at thia point.

I have talked to a lot of men. I never knew when the correct time was to tell someone. I was online dating and my thought, again, was to not waste their time. So I would share with some of them after we talked for awhile. Some very terrible things were said to me over and over again. Depression spike again. I stopped dating. I tried on and off over the years since then.

Jump again to Oct 2019. I had bariatric surgery. My weight was out of control and tried many things over the years and could never lose weight. I was nearly 280lbs. I started losing weight and felt a bit better. Another jump to March 2020 and covid. I worked in a specialist medical office. We could not close. My coworker left for another office in may and I ended up being the only receptionist until october. I was alone for 6 months in a busy office. A lot of things fell to me. Correction, everything fell on me. The doctors would come up to me asking how to order something. I was having problems with how I spoke to some patients but I was so stressed, started gaining weight again and my boss was horrible. One example, doc wants a CT on a patient who just found out they had cancer at 4pm on a friday. These require authorization from insurance. I had a part time girl who came in on Wednesday and was told by my manager that it can wait until so and so came in on Wednesday. Said patient thena calls Monday afternoon or Tuesday asking for an update on CT scan. I would be the one to say it wasn’t even started yet and this obviously upset the patient. I started an HR case against her. She wrote me up 2 times after that within 6 weeks. It put me on probation which I got through just fine. 1 month after it endes, 6 months after the HR case, I was fired for basically asking a patient a question to determine the urgency of it. I was devestated. This was the beginning of 2021. Begin another spike of depression.

2 weeks before I was fired, I went on a date for the first time aince 2018. It seemed to go ok and he was ok with my secret. We had sex. This was the first time I had sex since the end of 2012. Its the end of 2020. I called it off after 3 months. He wasn’t for mw. At thia point, I was unemployed, super depressed and had no idea what to do with life. Thankfully I had a part time job already but it was only 8 hrs a week. I knew I needed to speak help for my depression. So after years and years I started seeing a counselor and doctor. Finally diagnosed as depressed. At one point my mommy mentioned phlebotomy as a possible career. There was a huge shortage do to covid. Its been 1 year at this point. I looked into and met with an instructor about taking a course. I signed up to begin in October 2021. I took the entire year off to focus on myself. I still worked part time and was able to pick up some hours but no more than 20. I tried a few different meds throughtout the year. I started taking one around the time I started school in October. I have been on it since then.

Begin year 2022. I get hired on the spot as a phlebotomist in January. I’ve been excelling. I finally found the right path. My depression medication has been a god send. I have never felt this good in my life. I am happy, most days. I dont get easily angery or upset. I really have never felt so good. Its amazing to realize that I’ve been undiagnosed for so long. Things may have been dofferent. I started dating again, talking to more men than I ever have. I did go on a date recently but still havent had sex since beginning of 2021. Its been almost 2 years.

Overall, thats my story up to now. For the most part. I still struggling mentally with the genital herpes. For as much time that has passed, I still feel ashamed and disgusted with myself. I still get told or called terrible things by people and I cant help but agree with them because I already feel that way. Im nearly 32. My last boyfriend was when I was 18 and ive had sex with 1 person in the last 10yrs. I am scared of relationships. I dont know how to be. I accepted so long ago that I will just be alone and no one will ever love me. I still feel like that still sometimes. I try not to be in that mind set but its hard to break something you truely believed for so long. I am trying to get out of my comfort zone since I’ve started feeling better about myself. But now I feel extremely lonely and almost desperate feeling. I still feel disgusted with myself most of the time. I just want someone to talk to when I start having doubts and bad feelings regarding my herpes.

I know this was super long and if you read all of it, thank you for listening. I just want support from someone who truely understands how I feel about this part of myself. Thank you again for listening.

[woody2408]

I’m 22 and just being diagnosed with genital herpes. im also having such a horrific outbreak I’ve barely been able to move for 5 days. im still in shock and feel like I’ve been stripped of my sex life. I feel as though nobody is going to find me attractive anymore and nobody will want to be in a relationship with me. I know its common but im finding it really difficult to come to terms with this. has anyone on here started dating again with herpes? how much does it affect your dating and how do people generally react when you tell them? I feel like never going on another date again.

• This topic was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by woody2408.

[rosepetalthorns]

First, to put what looks to be a misunderstanding to rest, and hopefully ease your mind regarding your relationship, HSV1 is also commonly called “cold sores”. It sounds as though you may have it confused with HSV2, which is referred to as “genital herpes”.

A great percentage of the population has HSV1, often from childhood. Kids have an HSV1 outbreak (aka a cold sore), drink out of a cup, then share the cup with their friends and they drink from it and catch it. Teenager (or adults) kiss someone who has it and catch it. It is a virus and therefore contagious.

You did not mention where on your body you have broken out. Here is the tricky part. Typically people have HSV1 breakouts on the mouth. This doesn’t indicate any kind of sexual activity took place. Now here’s the “however”…a person can get HSV1 on their genitals after catching it by engaging in oral sex with someone who has the HSV1 virus.

From what you have written it seems your biggest concern is that he cheated on you. Since you have HSV1 – the kind that is the cause of primarily “cold sores”, either of you could have had it for years.

To answer your other questions, HSV1 and HSV2 can both be asymptomatic for a long time. Most people don’t even know when or how they got HSV1 since so many people have it in childhood.

My husband is an example of this. He’s had HSV1 since childhood. He can’t remember when he had his first outbreak (on lip), and I recall him having one or two when we were dating and the first few years of our marriage. He hasn’t had an outbreak in many years (like at least 12), however he still tests positive for it and always will. Interestingly, I test negative for HSV1, but have HSV2, and have had it for almost 30 years. (We’ve been married 28 years.). My husband is negative for HSV2.

I had a major outbreak during the covid lockdowns. Stress combined with menopause. Hurray! I was shocked to find out I was HSV2 positive. In hindsight I realize that I had very mild outbreaks over the past 30 years, but they were mild enough that I chalked it up to ingrown hairs, from shaving, etc. This more recent outbreak was very painful though, and it couldn’t be denied. That was about 2 years ago. I’ve had outbreaks since then. At first every 3 months, now it’s over 6 months and has returned to the “minor” outbreaks I now realize I had during the course of the past 30 years. So yes. Either type of HSV can be dormant or so mild that you don’t realize you even have it, then a major physical or emotional stressor can cause a more intense outbreak that causes you to realize something is going on.

I hope this helped to put your mind at ease a bit.

[Artemis]

I’m 54 years old, divorced for 4 years and recently stopped my toes back in the dating pool. I had sex with a condom and was ghosted within a few days. About 10 days later, I thought I had a yeast infection. After treating it with over the counter meds, it still didn’t go away and felt like it was getting worse. Then I felt the bumps. I saw my gynecologist and she believed in was indeed herpes. In all of the years of being sexually active, I’ve never had an STI. I’ve never felt so ashamed and mortified in my life. I feel like I’m damaged goods and will never have anyone want me again. I’m at a point where my kids are almost out of the house and I was hopeful to have a long term relationship again. I feel hopeless now. How do I get past this?? Will I ever get past this shame and self loathing? I feel broken.

[waverider]

So, I got herpes about 8 years ago in my early 50’s after dating someone after my divorce. I’m now 59. It was devastating and I’m still struggling with the physical symptoms as well as the shame and disappointment of knowing I’ll never be free to really enjoy sex again. It’s just not fun for me, and I’ve resigned myself to celibacy. I have a partner of 5 years, but we don’t have sex and neither of us cares. To be honest, sex is just too much trouble (the condoms, the lube, no oral sex, the breakouts from friction! Ugh) and the spontaneity is gone, not to mention the worry of me passing this virus on to him. The whole thing is stressful so I avoid sex completely. It is an option, and one that I’m ok with (for now).
I know this isn’t what most people want to hear, but this is the conclusion that I have come to, and it’s alright to NOT have sex. I’ve had great sex in my life, so I’m grateful for that but it’s not the end of the world if I never have it again. There are many other things in
life, and it can be freeing when sex isn’t central to the relationship. Just another perspective! Hope it’s helpful to someone.

[Bree]

Hello everyone…my name is Bree. This last week I was recently diagnosed with Herpes. I have so many mixed emotions right now. I have been talking with the guy I am now dating for about four months. We decided to take the next step after visits, constant communication and planning that he move to my area and we would be together. That was a HUGE step for me because I have not been in a relationship for almost five years. I thought I was doing all the right things…I even waited until after he was here to sleep with him. Well about 6 days after we had sex, I began to have horrible pain and decided to go to the doctor. That day she confirmed what became my worst nightmare. I went back to the house and talked to him. He told me he had herpes. He began saying he has never given it to anyone and has had it for 8 years. I didn’t know what to do or how to feel. I still don’t. I have cried…a lot. I am mad and I am angry. I am not this girl…I have always been careful and I thought I was doing it all the right way. Why?!? There are thoughts that go through my mind like did he do this on purpose? To trap me in a sense?! But then I think like ..no he’s a good guy he wouldn’t do that. I don’t know what to do or how to control my racing thoughts. I have thought about ending it with him, but then again here I am with it so I feel like why wouldn’t I stay now. I’m so confused and lost in this whole situation. I feel like what I have prided myself on my whole life of “not being that type of girl” is over. How do I carry on. What from here?
Also any advice for the breakouts would be helpful. Mine are painful and using the bathroom is a nightmare sat this point. I am now on day three of my medication and I’m hoping this outbreak goes away soon.

Bree

[Skittles123]

Hey girly,

I am in a similar situation and selfishly find your story comforting to know I’m not the only one out there. Having herpes has definitely changed my life and has put me into a depression in the past but trying to look on the bright side with success stories has slightly helped. I was diagnosed in 2020 while in the beginning stages of a relationship who then became a long term boyfriend. We both had outbreaks to later find out it was HSV2. We will never know who gave it to who or where it really came from but I guess it doesn’t matter at this point. He was not the most emotionally intelligent and both having it lead me to not have to deal with it then and burry my emotions which I am now dealing with two years later.

We broke up a few months ago for other reasons and I am now recently learning how to navigate dating with our condition. I am still confused on how to ever approach the situation and have been advised by doctors that if you are on medication there is barely any chance of passing it on and you can be intimate without disclosing. But the thought of giving it to someone else without telling them makes me feel terrible and I don’t know if I could go through with that.

I have a friend with HSV2 who was intimate with someone she was dating (while on medication for it) and then told him a couple months after. He was so supportive and comforting and they have been dating for 3 years now.

I have another girlfriend who has it, she was dating a guy and held off for months to become intimate and then when she decided she was ready she told him and got a positive, supportive response. They just got married last week! It really is a case by case kind of situation.

I think if you meet someone where you have a connection, try to hold off the intimacy. This is maybe one of the only positives to our situation, it has lead us really evaluate on who you choose to be intimate with. If you can see someone has good intentions and really likes you for you then its time to have the conversation, and if they react negatively then it wasn’t meant to be and I’m sure other issues of them being a shitty, judgemental person would of come up further down the line. I am definitely not a prude and have had a few one night stands but since my diagnosis I have realized sex is kind of a big deal and can’t be having it with just anybody.

Herpes is really just a stupid skin condition like Brooke said. But trust me, it gets better and easier to deal with. Hearing success stories from girls I know has really helped and also helped me normalize it. I am more recently dealing with it and know how dark and lonely it can get. Just know you’re not alone and the right person is out there for you <3

[val]

Hello everyone,
I was diagnosed with HSV-2 back in January. I was on a trip and couldn’t see a doctors for weeks during my first outbreak. It’s been hard because I can’t tell my family about it and my friends try to be supportive but none of them have it so they don’t truly understand and I just feel like I’m talking to a wall because nothing they can say makes me feel better.

I’ve had consistent hookups or fwb situations so I’ve never had to go too long without intimacy before this. The guy I had been hooking up with before that tested negative and stopped talking to me after I got diagnosed. Since then I really haven’t been able to hook up with anyone. I use dating apps and before giving someone my number I tell them my status, but then I just get ghosted. I’ve been rejected more in the last three months than ever before, and it’s made my self esteem go down and I don’t feel confident in myself anymore. I am constantly thinking that guys will never pick me because I have nothing to offer them and they easily could find someone else that doesn’t have herpes. I’m stressed that I will never be able to have a semi normal sex life ever again and that nobody will want to have sex with me or ever date me.

If anyone has any advise on how they got back into having sex after getting diagnosed or how to go about the rejections or just any words of encouragement I’d really appreciate it!

[Brooke]

I have been struggling so much lately, and just feeling unable to see a future at all. So I’ve decided I should probably share my story and start trying to heal emotionally. So here we go!

I was diagnosed with a new infection of HSV2, and an existing infection of HSV1, 5 months ago after having protected sex with someone on a casual basis. He did not tell me he had herpes, I have been getting sexual health check ups with any new partner for many years (HSV isn’t included on these apparently!) and until my diagnosis I had no idea you could get HSV if you used a condom. I was and am obviously a very naïve 28 year old.

I have been in a long distance relationship for over 2 years, having not seen my partner for most of that time due to Covid border closures. It’s been a really hard lonely few years so we had agreed on being able to sleep with other people in the meantime until we were reunited. Stupid idea in hindsight and we both regret it a lot but whats done is done.

My diagnosis was a huge shock to me and it did not come with any support or kind words. I burst out crying when the doctor just non-chalantly said oh yeah it’s just probably herpes. He flat out just said it’s nothing to cry over, I’m overreacting. It was truly horrible. The official diagnosis then took 4 weeks for me to get because they lost my blood tests. It was a really hard long wait, to then find out I had both forms of HSV.

My partner (fiance) was initially really supportive. When I called him crying saying the worst possible thing has happened, he was relieved when I told him I had HSV and not something terminal. That’s how upset I was to be admitting my diagnosis. With his support I really felt like it was going to be okay, that it didn’t really matter and he’s my forever person so disclosure never needed to be an issue again. It all felt like it was going to be okay and my life was not going to be any different, only that I would have to try protect my partner from contracting it.

A few weeks later things changed. He suddenly got really mad about it, and we had a huge fight. He used my herpes diagnosis to call me a slut, dirty, disgusting, cheap, used, diseased, worthless, unlovable and all the rest. It was completely Earth-shattering to have the person I love tell me my life was never going to be okay, that I had done something so disgusting and shameful and I wouldn’t ever be accepted or loved again. He even told his Mum, and his friends, he really tried to destroy me emotionally over it. And he succeeded. Everything he said about me I have felt about myself since. It’s been really hard.

I went crazy at him for making me feel so terrible about it, we had a very big fight, weeks long. And he popped back and apologised and cried and blah blah blah a few days later. I truly couldn’t see a future where if he didn’t love me then who else ever could, with what I was now. I felt like a rotton apple and that I didn’t have anything to offer anyone. So we made up. And it’s so embarrassing, because I’m a strong woman and I would NEVER in a million years let anyone treat me that way, but he had really made me feel like I deserved that. That the things he said about me were true and that if I didn’t take him back I couldn’t ever be loved again.

When we made up, he tried to make amends for what he’d done to my self esteem, there were lots of apologies and kind words and love bombing, but he avoided talking about my diagnosis at all, and I was too ashamed to tell him I needed some compassion through it. So I suffered alone with no support, into a spiralling depression, through my first 5 months after diagnosis and through another outbreak. It was absolute hell.

Fast forward to this weekend. My relationship had obviously turned to shit and we called it quits for good a few days ago. Aside from the way he made me feel about my HSV, I had really thought this was my forever person. So it’s obviously very hard on its own. But a traumatic break up combined with facing the rest of my life and one day dating with HSV, it seems almost insurmountable.

I know I am a strong, funny, kind, caring, and all round awesome person, I deserve to be loved, and more than that I know whoever ends up with me is one lucky bastard! But gosh it’s so hard to even understand or see how I’ll ever get there. It feels like I’m in for a really lonely life.

After some serious soul searching I’ve acknowledged that I’ve never had much of a healthy relationship with sex, and I don’t even know how to date without it. I feel a lot like, nobody loves you before you sleep with them, and nobody would choose to sleep with a person with herpes unless they already loved them, so it’s an impossible predicament and what am I supposed to do! At this point it’s not relevant because the thought of sex at all makes me physically feel ill. But one day maybe I’ll want to be loved again, and I’m so scared that I won’t even know how to begin climbing that mountain.

BUT, today I am really trying to see a path to where I can love myself again. Which is I guess why I’m here. I don’t want to feel ashamed anymore. I don’t deserve to. I’m lucky in a way, my outbreaks aren’t that severe, and a stupid little skin blister shouldn’t feel like the end of my life.

I know we are all going through this and I’m sorry if this sounds a bit self-indulgent and dramatic, I’m just a bit all over the place at the moment. I hope with some support and kindness from other strong awesome women who understand what I’m going through, that this will get easier.

[Ana]

The first time I spoke to Dr. Kelly I was bent over crying my eyes out.  I lived in a lonely and isolated world with “H.” I yearned to speak with someone knowledgeable, who understood my pain, who could relate to me.
Since then I have been on a journey of self-discovery and more so, self-acceptance. I have come a long way from that scared, ashamed and hopeless girl.

When I found out I was “H” positive, I had an out-of-body experience. How could this happen? I did not live the “lifestyle.”  As much as I was angry at “him,” I believe in taking full responsibility for myself.

I have disclosed 3 times. The first time I was beyond petrified and agonized over it. I could tell he was torn, but he didn’t walk away. We dated on and off. It was a very toxic relationship.  I stayed because he knew my status and I didn’t want to face the fear of going back into the dating world. So I settled for a less than relationship. But it chips away at your self-esteem. You’re better off alone than being with someone who doesn’t value you.

Once I walked away, for the umpteenth time, I tried online dating and I met someone. We went on a few dates and once I noticed that things were going to the next level, nervous and apprehensive I disclosed my “shame.” He was ok with it, however, that fizzled quickly. He was just not for me. 
My dream of being in a relationship was fading. I was disillusioned. I became jaded.

I decided to give online dating another shot. I put the worries of disclosing on the back burner. I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. Around Thanksgiving, I connected with a gentleman. He shared his life and was an open book. He texted numerous times daily, called and video chatted. That was unique, different, and refreshing.  By the time we met, I was smitten. Because we had such a connection I decided I would have to disclose on the 2nd date. That bridge was here and I had to cross it. That’s where my anxiety kicked in, more so now than the previous two disclosures. I started to have sleepless nights. I listened to as many Utube videos on how to disclose, all the methods to protect your partner, foods, antiviral, just about anything I could find to educate myself. I practiced my speech over and over. By the second date, I was loaded with knowledge and information. We were having such an amazing time, I chickened out. 

The longer I waited, the harder it became. I knew disclosure was an absolute must on the 3rd date. I needed support and reached out to a friend with “H.” It was such a relief to share my turmoil. She was a wonderful support. I had educated myself to the max! But it did nothing to ease the fear of sharing my “shame,” fear of being rejected.  
That’s when I had an epiphany. I was ashamed of me. I rejected me. I blamed me. I judged me. So I did what I do best. I pulled up Utube and started searching for motivational videos. And that’s when I found Brene Brown. On Netflix, I listened to her Talk: “The call to courage.” I realized it was never about disclosing to him. It was about me accepting and loving myself. I was enough and “H” did not define me. I had to internalize those words, feel it, visualize it. I had to believe it.

 I had so many amazing things to be grateful for. I lived a blessed life. I was a great friend, a devoted mother, a caring sister, a loving daughter, and a doting aunt. I was a successful businesswoman full of potential. My journey to this place of love and acceptance began with Dr. Kelly, so I reached out. She grounds me. She reminded me that “I’m all that and a bag of chips.” I felt so empowered, I couldn’t wait to disclose. I couldn’t believe it. If he walked away it would sting, but I would really be ok with it. He has to see me for the amazing woman I am. If he only see’s “H,” then he’s not the man for me.

 3rd date was the best date I have had in decades. We spent the day together, even watched a sunset. I was nervous but I am also a woman who is much more than a rejection. My energy was different. I exuded confidence and self-acceptance. The time came to have the “Talk.” I disclosed. He leaned in. He held my hand and listened. He acknowledge, like most people, he did not know much about “H.”  I sent him information and reputable sites. 

I left the date feeling on top of the world. Stay or leave, either way, it will never take away the feeling I got from facing my fear and taking my power back. I felt liberated. Having the information, knowledge, and doing the work mentally and emotionally was instrumental in empowering me. What changed? My mindset changed. “I am all that and a bag of chips.” I was vulnerable therefore I was courageous. I leave you with this powerful quote from Brene Brown.

“Show me a woman who can sit with a man in real shame and vulnerability and fear and just be in that place, and I will show you a woman who has done her work and doesn’t derive her status or power from that man.” 

PS: He’s away, but not a day goes by without him communicating with me. I’m looking forward to date #4.

[Ana]

The first time I spoke to Dr. Kelly I was bent over crying my eyes out.  I lived in a lonely and isolated world with “H.” I yearned to speak with someone knowledgeable, who understood my pain, who could relate to me.
Since then I have been on a journey of self-discovery and more so, self-acceptance. I have come a long way from that scared, ashamed and hopeless girl.
When I found out I was “H” positive, I had an out-of-body experience. How could this happen? I did not live the “lifestyle.”  As much as I was angry at “him,” I believe in taking full responsibility for myself.I have disclosed 3 times. The first time I was beyond petrified and agonized over it. I could tell he was torn, but he didn’t walk away. We dated on and off. It was a very toxic relationship.  I stayed because he knew my status and I didn’t want to face the fear of going back into the dating world. So I settled for a less than relationship. But it chips away at your self-esteem. You’re better off alone than being with someone who doesn’t value you.Once I walked away, for the umpteenth time, I tried online dating and I met someone. We went on a few dates and once I noticed that things were going to the next level, nervous and apprehensive I disclosed my “shame.” He was ok with it, however, that fizzled quickly. He was just not for me. My dream of being in a relationship was fading. I was disillusioned. I became jaded.I decided to give online dating another shot. I put the worries of disclosing on the back burner. I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. Around Thanksgiving, I connected with a gentleman. He shared his life and was an open book. He texted numerous times daily, called and video chatted. That was unique, different, and refreshing.  By the time we met, I was smitten. Because we had such a connection I decided I would have to disclose on the 2nd date. That bridge was here and I had to cross it. That’s where my anxiety kicked in, more so now than the previous two disclosures. I started to have sleepless nights. I listened to as many Utube videos on how to disclose, all the methods to protect your partner, foods, antiviral, just about anything I could find to educate myself. I practiced my speech over and over. By the second date, I was loaded with knowledge and information. We were having such an amazing time, I chickened out. The longer I waited, the harder it became. I knew disclosure was an absolute must on the 3rd date. I needed support and reached out to a friend with “H.” It was such a relief to share my turmoil. She was a wonderful support. I had educated myself to the max! But it did nothing to ease the fear of sharing my “shame,” fear of being rejected.  
That’s when I had an epiphany. I was ashamed of me. I rejected me. I blamed me. I judged me. So I did what I do best. I pulled up Utube and started searching for motivational videos. And that’s when I found Brene Brown. On Netflix, I listened to her Talk: “The call to courage.” I realized it was never about disclosing to him. It was about me accepting and loving myself. I was enough and “H” did not define me. I had to internalize those words, feel it, visualize it. I had to believe it. I had so many amazing things to be grateful for. I lived a blessed life. I was a great friend, a devoted mother, a caring sister, a loving daughter, and a doting aunt. I was a successful businesswoman full of potential. My journey to this place of love and acceptance began with Dr. Kelly, so I reached out. She grounds me. She reminded me that “I’m all that and a bag of chips.” I felt so empowered, I couldn’t wait to disclose. I couldn’t believe it.  If he walked away it would sting, but I would really be ok with it. He has to see me for the amazing woman I am. If he only see’s “H,” then he’s not the man for me. 3rd date was the best date I have had in decades. We spent the day together, even watched a sunset. I was nervous but I am also a woman who is much more than a rejection. My energy was different. I exuded confidence and self-acceptance. The time came to have the “Talk.” I disclosed. He leaned in. He held my hand and listened. He acknowledge, like most people, he did not know much about “H.”  I sent him information and reputable sites. I left the date feeling on top of the world. Stay or leave, either way, it will never take away the feeling I got from facing my fear and taking my power back. I felt liberated. Having the information, knowledge, and doing the work mentally and emotionally was instrumental in empowering me. What changed? My mindset changed. “I am all that and a bag of chips.” I was vulnerable therefore I was courageous. I leave you with this powerful quote from Brene Brown.
“Show me a woman who can sit with a man in real shame and vulnerability and fear and just be in that place, and I will show you a woman who has done her work and doesn’t derive her status or power from that man.” PS: He’s away, but continues to communicate with me daily. I’m looking forward to date #4.

[Ana]

The first time I spoke to Dr. Kelly I was bent over crying my eyes out.  I lived in a lonely and isolated world with “H.” I yearned for someone knowledgeable, who understood me and could relate to me.
Since then I have been on a journey of self-discovery and more so, self-acceptance. I have come a long way from that scared, ashamed and hopeless girl.
When I found out I was “H” positive, I had an out-of-body experience. How could this happen? I did not live the “lifestyle.”  As much as I was angry at “him,” I believe in taking full responsibility for myself.

I have disclosed 3 times. The first time I was beyond petrified and agonized over it. I could tell he was torn but he didn’t walk away. We dated on and off. It was a very toxic relationship.  I stayed because he knew my status, so I settled for a less than relationship. But it rips away at your self-esteem. You’re better off alone than being with someone who doesn’t value you.

Once I walked away, for the umpteenth time, I tried online dating and I met someone. We went on a few dates and once I noticed that things were going to the next level, nervous and apprehensive I disclosed my “shame.” He was ok with it, however, that fizzled quickly. He was just not for me. My dream of being in a relationship was fading. I was disillusioned. I became jaded.
I decided to give online dating another shot. I put the worries of disclosing on the back burner. I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. Around Thanksgiving, I connected with a gentleman who texted or called on a daily basis. He shared his life and was an open book. That was unique, different, and refreshing. We spoke and texted numerous times daily. By the time we met, I was smitten. Because we had such a connection I decided I would have to disclose on the 2nd date. That bridge was here and I had to cross it. That’s where my anxiety kicked in, more so now than the prior two. I started to have sleepless nights. I listened to as many Utube videos on how to disclose, all the methods to protect your partner, foods, antiviral, just about anything I could find to educate myself. I practiced my speech over and over. By the second date, I was loaded with knowledge and information. We were having such an amazing time, I chickened out. The longer I waited, the harder it became. I knew disclosure was an absolute must on the 3rd date. I needed support and reached out to a friend with “H.” It was such a relief to share my turmoil. She was a wonderful support. I had educated myself to the max! But it did nothing to ease the fear of sharing my “shame,” fear of being rejected.  
That’s when I had an epiphany. I was ashamed of me. I rejected me. I blamed me. I judged me. So I did what I do best. I pulled up Utube and started searching for motivational videos. And that’s when I found Brene Brown. On Netflix, I listened to her Talk: “The call to courage.” I realized it was never about disclosing to him. It was about me accepting and loving myself. I was enough and “H” did not define me. I had to internalize those words, feel it, visualize it. I had to believe it.
 I had so many amazing things to be grateful for. I was a great friend, a devoted mother, a caring sister, a loving daughter, and a doting aunt. I was a successful businesswoman full of potential and admired by my colleagues. My journey to this place of love and acceptance began with Dr. Kelly, so I reached out. She grounds me. She reminded me that “I’m all that and a bag of chips.” I felt so empowered, I couldn’t wait to disclose. It would sting if he walked away, but I would really be ok with it. He has to see me for the amazing woman I am. If he only see’s “H,” then he’s not the man for me.
 3rd date was the best date I have had in decades. We spent the day together, even watched a sunset. I was a bit nervous but I am also a woman who is much more powerful than a rejection. My energy was different. I exuded confidence and self-acceptance.The time came to have the “Talk.” I disclosed. He leaned in. He held my hand and listened. He acknowledge, like most people, he did not know much about “H.”  I sent him information and reputable sites. I left the date feeling on top of the world. If he walks away it will sting, but it will never take away the feeling I got from facing my fear and taking my power back. I  felt liberated. Having the information, knowledge, and doing the work mentally and emotionally was instrumental in empowering me. What changed? My mindset changed. “I am all that and a bag of chips.” I was vulnerable therefore I was courageous. I leave you with this powerful quote from Brene Brown.
“Show me a woman who can sit with a man in real shame and vulnerability and fear and just be in that place. And I will show you a woman who has done her work and doesn’t derive her status or power from that man.” 

PS: He’s away, but has continued to communicate with me every day. I’m looking forward to date #4.

[melindahalligan]

Hi everyone. I was diagnosed with herpes 1 many years ago. The outbreak was swelling and pimples that broke open and pain. I never got an episodes that bad again. My question is have you ever got an outbreak like the first one again? Years later I’m have a really bad one and I’m wondering if I have been exposed maybe to herpes 2 since I recently started dating again after a divorce. Thanks