I don’t know what to do. I have no one to talk to about this and I feel so alone and petrified. I apologize for the drawn out story but I really need to hear what someone thinks and how I am supposed to comprehend what is going on.
I got out of an abusive relationship after five years about two years ago… about two weeks ago the guy from my past came over to my house while I had friends sleeping over who were in town for a wedding. They opened the door while I was sleeping in my bed. He came into my room and raped me. I didn’t want to make a big deal of it in my bedroom because I didn’t want to scare anyone or cause drama for my friend’s wedding weekend. I had been through it so many times I just wanted to have it be over as quickly as possible and get him out of the house.
My vagina hurt. He used to hurt me a lot so I thought it could have just been one of the many tares he has caused prior (I have had tares cauterized and even been wrongly diagnosed with vestibulitis is the past because the pain was so bad).
The pain didn’t subside and I started to get headaches and got cold sweats for two nights. After five days I called a nurse on duty and she said to go to urgent care to get things checked out. While in the ER they examined me and found a red raw area inside my labia, right in the middle. It wasn’t a bump, or a blister, more like a red scratch, not swollen, just a couple layers deep of skin. They took a swab and the ER doctor said she was going to check from herpes, that it didn’t look like it and it doesn’t present this way but she wanted to rule it out. I started crying. She said they would get back to me in a few days. This was last Sunday. I went home and shined a light on myself and could see what they were talking about. It almost looked like a canker sore with a pin point in the middle that was white, about 1/2 inch long straight up the middle. It stung very badly every time I peed. I went to bed crying every night and woke up in the morning praying it had been a bad dream. I went to work shaking and cried at lunch.
I have watched it over the last five days and it is almost gone… it is now just a red spot that still stings. No scabbing, no bumps, no multiple sores or red spots. I looked at hundreds of pictures of genital herpes and I convinced myself it couldn’t be it.
Last night I got a missed call from the doctor, and today two missed calls from nurses wanting to “discuss my results.” I checked my online medical record and I have a prescription for Acyclovir. I can’t bring myself to call the nurses or doctor back. This is the reason why:
I am 35 years old, never been married, always been super paranoid about STD’s and so embarrassed about the sexual trauma I have already incurred. I have tried dating since getting out of my abusive relationship and I have trust issues that I can’t seem to overcome. I am so scared of guys. I feel like I am never ever ever going to find anyone. I live my life trying to do EVERYTHING right… in shape, amazing job, independent, smart, helpful, positive, supportive (and I’m not trying to talk about myself or say I’m any better than anyone else… but I really really really really really try, as I know so many of you do,… I just feel like I am constantly trying to make up for being the the “damaged” person I am…”
I want desperately to feel close to someone, and have someone love me, and now I feel like, whereas I thought it was impossible before, now there isn’t even a point. I feel like I don’t want to live this life anymore. I am not saying I want or will do anything harmful to myself. I am just so overwhelmed and in shock and I have no one to talk to or turn to. All of my girlfriends are married and living beautiful lives. I could never tell them… it will just be “oh ya… that’s her… we told her that guy would screw up her life and she stayed with him soooo… it’s on her.” I missed weddings, and wasn’t there for friends because I would be held against my will by my ex, locked in rooms, blackmailed, threatened, hurt so badly I couldn’t be in public.
Where I am at now:
I picked up the Acyclovir and took the first pill. I read it is possible you only have one outbreak and the first is the worst so maybe it won’t happen. I don’t know. I don’t know how to face the world. Where it is hard to date and be hopeful for love, I feel now that all hope is lost. Is it for sure genital herpes? I have no idea where to go from here.
Please believe that my heart goes out to all the women here and I am so sorry you are struggling with what you are. I hate to come across selfish or egotistical or concerned for what could be something so minor compared to what some of you are experiencing and I am so so so so sorry. I just don’t know what to do. If anyone has anything to share I would appreciate any insight as to how I am supposed to face tomorrow.
I have never felt pain and fear like this.
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